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Behind Closed Doors With the Men and Women of the Bible, Part I

By on November 4, 2012
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Bible Men 1

Written by Tamar Fox.  Tamar is a first-time Jewrotica writer.  [Editor’s Note: This piece is not graphic, however it is irreverent – hence earning an “R” rating.  If you tend to be sensitive to or disapproving of sacrilegious comments, please do yourself a favor and click over to another piece.] 

Rated RLate last Saturday night, my friends and I combined decades of private Jewish education, an irreverent sense of humor, and a few beers. The result was a heated discussion about whether or not Moses would have been good in bed. This was probably not what our rabbis had in mind when they taught us about the heroes of the Bible, but that doesn’t mean we can’t put our years of (wildly expensive) Jewish day school to use for these admittedly lowbrow means.

 

Moses

One really has to divide Moses’s life into two parts: pre- and post-burning bush. Before the burning bush, he was almost certainly a playboy. Remember, he grew up in Pharaoh’s palace, and was apparently strong enough to kill an Egyptian with his bare hands at 40. Hot stuff. Even pre-revelation, he was probably a soulful guy, the kind of man who breaks your heart without ever realizing it. He was a great kisser, but was too embarrassed to talk dirty because of that whole ‘not being a man of words’ thing. The business with the staff turning into a snake leads us to believe that he was very well endowed.

By the time Moses saw the bush that was not consumed, he was 80, and one has to imagine his sex life was waning. But I think he was probably still making whoopee with Zipporah, and I bet it only got better after God entered the picture (the Divine version of Viagra is presumably very potent). There were, though, some challenges. For instance, after he received the Ten Commandments, Moses’s face glowed, and he wore a veil except when speaking to God, or conveying the law to the people. This must have made for a somewhat strange experience in bed. Also, it was probably difficult to find any uninterrupted time, what with the people constantly needing guidance.  Moses and Zipporah were probably knocking sandals as nonagenarians, though, and it was probably very intense, bordering on tantric. Moses wasn’t into any kink, though. His whole thing was getting the people out of bondage.


Aaron

Moses’s brother, Aaron, was definitely a bit rougher around the edges. He was raised a slave, and probably had the insecurities of a guy who’s always playing second fiddle to his kid brother. But he was a smooth talker, and knew when to say something, and when to keep his mouth closed. Realistically, he couldn’t hold a candle to his brother in bed, but they were into different things, anyway. Aaron was all about the kink, including elaborate costumes, and occasionally blood play.


Joshua

Moses’s right hand man was ballsy and tough. He didn’t have Moses’s sensitivity, or Aaron’s public speaking gifts, but he was a strong man, and courageous. The kind of guy who wouldn’t be intimidated that your last boyfriend was a giant. When sleeping with Joshua you’d always have the sense that he had mapped out your body, and was slowly making his way across the territory. Plus, no matter your hang ups, he could always make your walls fall down.


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Author of Jewrotica's Double Mitzvah column, Tamar Fox is a writer and editor in Philadelphia. She will try anything once, including open relationships, dating someone who is chalav yisrael, and going to Suriname.
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