Written by Tamar Fox. Tamar is a first-time Jewrotica writer. [Editor’s Note: This piece is not graphic, however it is irreverent – hence earning an “R” rating. If you tend to be sensitive to or disapproving of sacrilegious comments, please do yourself a favor and click over to another piece.]
Late last Saturday night, my friends and I combined decades of private Jewish education, an irreverent sense of humor, and a few beers. The result was a heated discussion about whether or not Moses would have been good in bed. This was probably not what our rabbis had in mind when they taught us about the heroes of the Bible, but that doesn’t mean we can’t put our years of (wildly expensive) Jewish day school to use for these admittedly lowbrow means.
Moses
One really has to divide Moses’s life into two parts: pre- and post-burning bush. Before the burning bush, he was almost certainly a playboy. Remember, he grew up in Pharaoh’s palace, and was apparently strong enough to kill an Egyptian with his bare hands at 40. Hot stuff. Even pre-revelation, he was probably a soulful guy, the kind of man who breaks your heart without ever realizing it. He was a great kisser, but was too embarrassed to talk dirty because of that whole ‘not being a man of words’ thing. The business with the staff turning into a snake leads us to believe that he was very well endowed.
By the time Moses saw the bush that was not consumed, he was 80, and one has to imagine his sex life was waning. But I think he was probably still making whoopee with Zipporah, and I bet it only got better after God entered the picture (the Divine version of Viagra is presumably very potent). There were, though, some challenges. For instance, after he received the Ten Commandments, Moses’s face glowed, and he wore a veil except when speaking to God, or conveying the law to the people. This must have made for a somewhat strange experience in bed. Also, it was probably difficult to find any uninterrupted time, what with the people constantly needing guidance. Moses and Zipporah were probably knocking sandals as nonagenarians, though, and it was probably very intense, bordering on tantric. Moses wasn’t into any kink, though. His whole thing was getting the people out of bondage.
Aaron
Moses’s brother, Aaron, was definitely a bit rougher around the edges. He was raised a slave, and probably had the insecurities of a guy who’s always playing second fiddle to his kid brother. But he was a smooth talker, and knew when to say something, and when to keep his mouth closed. Realistically, he couldn’t hold a candle to his brother in bed, but they were into different things, anyway. Aaron was all about the kink, including elaborate costumes, and occasionally blood play.
Joshua
Moses’s right hand man was ballsy and tough. He didn’t have Moses’s sensitivity, or Aaron’s public speaking gifts, but he was a strong man, and courageous. The kind of guy who wouldn’t be intimidated that your last boyfriend was a giant. When sleeping with Joshua you’d always have the sense that he had mapped out your body, and was slowly making his way across the territory. Plus, no matter your hang ups, he could always make your walls fall down.
Celebrating 10 Years & Marking the End of An Amazing Project
Celebrating 10 Years & Marking the End of An Amazing Project
I’m Heshy Fried from Frum Satire and I am very, very frum. And I completely support Jewrotica – it’s doing a service to the frum community. We need some sort of kosher sexual education. Jewrotica even has a system that allows frum filters to filter out certain things to make it PG for us. It’s mamish Torah. It’s like The Little Midrash Says for sex.
You may not tell your mom that you’re going to a live Jewrotica reading (or whatever clever name you will dub these events) but you will tell your friends. However, both would be jealous if they find out that they missed it. I think it will only be a matter of time before Jewrotica helps us reclaim the term “Dirty Jew” the way rap music has done for “The ‘N’ Word.” I know I am now proud to be a Dirty Jew!
I attended and participated in last month’s Jewrotica event. The engaging performers and Ayo, our inviting host, inspired the audience to feel like one big community. What a great way to inspire our community to embrace sex as a beautiful thing that can be fun, exciting, sacred, sensual, ridiculous, scary and everything in between!
Jewrotica rocks. It’s funny, it’s informative, it’s sexy, it’s interesting. Check it out!
Jewrotica was everything I had dreamed of and more: sexy attendees, tantalizing confessions, and well-written literature to boot! More importantly, it empowers us Jews to reach inside and own our sexy selves and heritage!
What an incredible night Jewrotica was!!!! There was this fantastic moment, in a sea of Jews of all sexualities, ages, backgrounds and denominations, that I realized we were all in this together! I hope that there are many more events coming to Austin soon!
I stepped out of my comfort zone to be a part of this. I was glad to open up the topic of sexuality in my community. We are trying to build a safe space to talk about sex. The result I am most happy about coming from this event is that hopefully now my friends know they can come and talk to me, that I can be their ‘safe space’.
I love the inclusiveness – there is something for everyone, in and out of the Jewish community.
While many people fear the “sex talk,” Jewrotica offers an opportunity for writers and audiences to speak about sexuality in a open and safe space. When I attended a Jewrotica reading, I heard stories that reminded me that love takes many forms, and that expressing it is a vital part of who we are as a people.
Jewrotica is awesome. It expands the mind and for people who were raised with narrow views on sexuality. Whether you are Jewish or not, or in different sects of Judaism like Orthodox, Conservative or Reform, no matter what your background or where you’re from, Jewrotica gets you to see Judaism and how it relates to sexuality in new ways. I really appreciate Ayo being here and helping us learn different ways to connect with our sexuality.
Copyright © 2014 Jewrotica.org. All Rights Reserved.
Built with Love and Mischief.
Designed by Ayo Oppenheimer and
David Abitbol
Pingback: Behind Closed Doors With the Men and Women of the Bible, Part II | Jewrotica
Pingback: Real Israelis | Jewrotica
Pingback: Jewrotica | Jewniverse
Pingback: Fifty Two Shades of Blue-ish: An Interview With Author Karen S. Exkorn | Jewrotica
Pingback: Just One Kid - Jewrotica
Pingback: Real Israelis – Jewrotica