Behind Closed Doors With the Men and Women of the Bible, Part I

Prev1 of 2Next
Use your ← → (arrow) keys to browse

Bible Men 1

Written by Tamar Fox.  Tamar is a first-time Jewrotica writer.  [Editor’s Note: This piece is not graphic, however it is irreverent – hence earning an “R” rating.  If you tend to be sensitive to or disapproving of sacrilegious comments, please do yourself a favor and click over to another piece.] 

Rated RLate last Saturday night, my friends and I combined decades of private Jewish education, an irreverent sense of humor, and a few beers. The result was a heated discussion about whether or not Moses would have been good in bed. This was probably not what our rabbis had in mind when they taught us about the heroes of the Bible, but that doesn’t mean we can’t put our years of (wildly expensive) Jewish day school to use for these admittedly lowbrow means.

 

Moses

One really has to divide Moses’s life into two parts: pre- and post-burning bush. Before the burning bush, he was almost certainly a playboy. Remember, he grew up in Pharaoh’s palace, and was apparently strong enough to kill an Egyptian with his bare hands at 40. Hot stuff. Even pre-revelation, he was probably a soulful guy, the kind of man who breaks your heart without ever realizing it. He was a great kisser, but was too embarrassed to talk dirty because of that whole ‘not being a man of words’ thing. The business with the staff turning into a snake leads us to believe that he was very well endowed.

By the time Moses saw the bush that was not consumed, he was 80, and one has to imagine his sex life was waning. But I think he was probably still making whoopee with Zipporah, and I bet it only got better after God entered the picture (the Divine version of Viagra is presumably very potent). There were, though, some challenges. For instance, after he received the Ten Commandments, Moses’s face glowed, and he wore a veil except when speaking to God, or conveying the law to the people. This must have made for a somewhat strange experience in bed. Also, it was probably difficult to find any uninterrupted time, what with the people constantly needing guidance.  Moses and Zipporah were probably knocking sandals as nonagenarians, though, and it was probably very intense, bordering on tantric. Moses wasn’t into any kink, though. His whole thing was getting the people out of bondage.


Aaron

Moses’s brother, Aaron, was definitely a bit rougher around the edges. He was raised a slave, and probably had the insecurities of a guy who’s always playing second fiddle to his kid brother. But he was a smooth talker, and knew when to say something, and when to keep his mouth closed. Realistically, he couldn’t hold a candle to his brother in bed, but they were into different things, anyway. Aaron was all about the kink, including elaborate costumes, and occasionally blood play.


Joshua

Moses’s right hand man was ballsy and tough. He didn’t have Moses’s sensitivity, or Aaron’s public speaking gifts, but he was a strong man, and courageous. The kind of guy who wouldn’t be intimidated that your last boyfriend was a giant. When sleeping with Joshua you’d always have the sense that he had mapped out your body, and was slowly making his way across the territory. Plus, no matter your hang ups, he could always make your walls fall down.


 Continue reading…

Prev1 of 2Next
Use your ← → (arrow) keys to browse

Author of Jewrotica's Double Mitzvah column, Tamar Fox is a writer and editor in Philadelphia. She will try anything once, including open relationships, dating someone who is chalav yisrael, and going to Suriname.
  • You really think Abraham was bad in the sack? That guy was giving and generous. Why would he be that way with his guests and not with his lover? Sorry. No way our founding father was less than a stellar cocksman. No way.

    • I hear you, David. Then again, it did take Avraham a mighty long time to get Sarah preggers. Though they were probably just been having a lot of fun practicing…

    • It’s all good Ayo. I’m thrilled to see Tamar Fox contributing here even if our disagreements go beyond Abraham’s sexual prowess!

  • Oy. Vey. ismir. (But in a very good way.)

    • I second your “Oy. Vey. Ismir”, except with a couple of FFB-style reservations.

      Part of me loved this piece. It’s clever and fun, erotic and edgy. That said, the traditional and still quite-reverent part of me is convinced that a lightning bolt is going to come down and strike me at any moment in retribution for publishing this piece on the site. (My dad always was pretty superstitious…)

      And I am totally going to turn dark red this week when this piece pops into my head during Torah reading at shul.

      Oy, indeed! 🙂

  • Pingback: Behind Closed Doors With the Men and Women of the Bible, Part II | Jewrotica()

  • Banana

    When I read about Joshua I can’t help but hum “your body is a wonderland…”

  • You left out a very important detail about Joshua. He married Rachav, the whore of Jericho and made her a one-man woman.

  • Pingback: Real Israelis | Jewrotica()

  • Anonymous Internet Commenter

    Good lord did this piece make me uncomfortable. Oy.

  • Pingback: Jewrotica | Jewniverse()

  • Dark Star

    I was just reading and loving those electric pages on the site imagining the sexual secrets of Biblical characters. Regarding Abraham, though the critique was written from a Jewish view, I’m inclined to think that he probably would have had a better, more Jewrotic time with Hagar, I’m curious what those two were like. Sizzling, I dare think. I think Hagar would have brought out the Esau in him. He was Esav’s grandfather, there must have been some Esav in him.

    So here’s a Dvar Torah — when Yitzchak tells Yaakov, your voice is the voice of Jacob, but your hands are the hands of Esav — there, that right there, was the bracha! To be a blessed man he should be able to have the voice of Jacob, to speak like a poet but have the physicality of a wild man of the fields, that’s the bracha I’d give a kid. That was the real bracha given Yaakov.

    But back to Avraham, the idea of a brother-sister fraud can lead to great possibilities, as is shown in the movie “Days of Heaven” (please, really, try to find it, and not just a dull YouTube color-drained version but a clear copy.) It is a play on the Abraham-Sarah story: Two beautiful lovers, in 1917, are migrants working the Texas wheat fields. A lonely land owner sees her, is so aroused by her that he invites her to stay with him even after the harvest. She asks that her “brother” be allowed to stay, too, and of course he can. And then it gets increasingly Jewrotic and complicated, with a visual and musical beauty that is as ethereal, as visually-aurally-and-spiritually beautiful as just about anything I’ve ever seen. In any case, it opened my imagination to what possibilities are inherent in the situation of a couple hiding their commitment to each other for the sake of… heaven. The last thing I would do now, after seeing that movie, is condemn my granddaddy Abraham and grandma Sara for trying to keep their relationship on the sly — especially while they were on the road. That’s why the road was born.

    And if I can just add one more thing in favor of my favorite fake brother and sister, Abraham and Sara: Check out the Torah — the first quote attributed to Abraham, the very first words spoken after his Lech Lecha revelation, is when Abraham looks at Sara and says, “You’re so beautiful, men are going to want to kill me just to have you,” and only then does he say, “tell them you’re my sister.” He doesn’t bring up brother-sister in a sexless way, but after telling her how hot she was. The opening of his Jewish soul led to the opening of his eyes to her heat. That’s the essence of Jewrotica.

    There’s interesting Torahs in there, something very Jewrotic going on between those two.

  • Pingback: Fifty Two Shades of Blue-ish: An Interview With Author Karen S. Exkorn | Jewrotica()

  • Pingback: Just One Kid - Jewrotica()

  • Pingback: Real Israelis – Jewrotica()