Two forty-something year old women screaming “Goodbye Uteri!” are pinching my ass as I pedal them in my pedicab down West 6th street in Austin, Texas. The grey-streaked brunette in the bright pink halter top is getting a hysterectomy tomorrow, and she is celebrating fiercely as if to say “you can take my uterus, but you’ll never take my freedom!” *insert Braveheart roar*
Three years ago, I sat in an auditorium attentively listening to the alcohol-ruddy-faced dean of my law school congratulate my graduating class while touting the virtues of a career dedicated to upholding the law. I was relieved that the three years of tortuous readings, firing squad questioning by professors, and clandestine classmate chicanery were over. As I basked in the respect and approval radiating from the audience, I allowed myself to ignore the impending bar exam and to dream of a six-figure salary, of senior partners crowing over my unremitting brilliance untangling knotty legal questions, and of protecting my blame-free clients from the morally corrupt. I thought, “Finally, my hard work and resolve will pay off.”
Now, as I stand up at this intersection, my ass is probably making me an extra ten bucks.
To save my Jewish mother from the opprobrium of having to tell friends this Pesach that her son is a prostitute, I undertake to prove that I’m not. You’re welcome, mom. (1)
pros·ti·tute (prŏsʹ tĭ-toot ʹ, -tyoot ʹ): 1. One who solicits and takes payment for sexual intercourse; 2. One who sells his or her abilities or name to an undeserving cause. “Prostitute.” Def. Merriam-Webster’s II New Collegiate Dictionary. 1995.
Clearly, the first definition does not apply to me. “Sexual intercourse,” is the act of “coitus,” which is the physical union of male and female sexual organs, leading to orgasm and ejaculation of semen. “Sexual Intercourse.” Id.; “Coitus.” Id. Neither my ass nor these ladies’ (er…women’s) pincher fingers are sexual organs (Sexual Organ: An organ of the reproductive system. “Sexual organ.” Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, 2013. Web. 20 March 2013) and, furthermore, neither party is having an orgasm (as far as I know).
As for the second definition, is my ass an ability…? You’re damn right it is! I should argue, of course, that “ability” connotes an action (Ability: A natural or acquired skill or talent. “Ability.” Def. Merriam Webster’s II New Collegiate Dictionary. 1995), and clearly my fantastic ass is not doing anything except being the heavenly ass that it is. However, I trust that you would argue back that my glorious ass is in fact acting on these women because these women are affected by my majestic ass, and without action, there can be no effect. This is analogous to the ability of Monet’s famous water lilies paintings to affect viewers. Although the paintings are passive, they are, in fact, acting on the viewer. Did I just compare my ass to a Monet painting? Yes, yes I did.
However, the crux of this argument is not about my magnetic ass but rather is about what is an “undeserving cause.” “Undeserving” is the opposite of “deserving.” “Deserving” is defined as follows: worthy of reward, merit, or aid. “Deserving.” Id. So the question really becomes this: Is providing happiness to these women an undeserving cause? According to the definition, the method of serving the cause does not matter as long as the cause is deserving. Happiness in others is a deserving cause (an axiom of most religions and philosophies). Therefore, providing happiness to these women is not an undeserving cause, and I’m not a prostitute under the second definition either.
Now that I’ve proved I’m not a prostitute, I hope you’ll allow the following exhortation to sink in. Don’t go to law school. I’m just one in a long line of escapees. Ghandi, Ben Stein, and Gerard Butler were all disabused of their auditorium dreams and ended up having to mollify their mothers. Learn from our mistakes. And while you’re taking my advice, go do something that makes you truly happy.
Anyway, I should get back to work – call me if you need a ride.
1 – Mom, I am using my legal education!
Celebrating 10 Years & Marking the End of An Amazing Project
Celebrating 10 Years & Marking the End of An Amazing Project
Jewrotica is inspiring Jews and erotica with holiness and coolness, and is the pride of progressive Judaism. Jewrotica – awesome!
Learning about sex and what’s right and wrong when it comes to sex from a Biblical standpoint was an eye opening experience. I completely enjoyed it and think something like this could be a very cool thing to bring to even high school aged Jewish youth groups.
I stepped out of my comfort zone to be a part of this. I was glad to open up the topic of sexuality in my community. We are trying to build a safe space to talk about sex. The result I am most happy about coming from this event is that hopefully now my friends know they can come and talk to me, that I can be their ‘safe space’.
I’m so glad that Jewrotica is represented here at Jewlicious! It’s bringing voices that need to be heard in the Jewish discussion and Jewish climate environment.
I love the inclusiveness – there is something for everyone, in and out of the Jewish community.
My opinion on Jewrotica is: It’s sexy. It’s awesome. It’s Judaism to the next level. It’s what we should all be getting into!
At Jewrotica’s Evening of Bedside Readings, students declaimed monologues on sexual encounters that had a Jewish twist. At Columbia/Barnard Hillel, the speakers pushed their own boundaries by performing a range of explicit narratives that challenged how the audience thought of the relationship to Judaism and sex. During the speakers’ preparation, the arguments about which narratives would be appropriate forced students to take a stand and voice their opinion on their own beliefs about Judaism an… Read more
The Jewrotica event “Evening of Jewrotica: Bedside Reading” was awesome. As Master of Confessions, I got to read the deepest, darkest secrets of people in the room out loud… It was scintillating, titillating, and – yes – even educational!
What an incredible night Jewrotica was!!!! There was this fantastic moment, in a sea of Jews of all sexualities, ages, backgrounds and denominations, that I realized we were all in this together! I hope that there are many more events coming to Austin soon!
Jewrotica is something that the community has needed for a long time so that people can actually learn, express and share and have good relationships without having to stumble through life. Check out the site and learn something. Have fun!
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