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Behind Closed Doors With the Men and Women of the Bible, Part I

By on November 4, 2012
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Bible Men 2

Abraham

He was nothing to write home about, really. Abraham was the kind of guy you stayed with because you really loved him, not because the sex was so great. He was so busy welcoming guests he hardly had the energy to make the beast with two backs most of the time, and when he was in the mood he felt weird about it because Sarah looked like a little girl. Plus, the relationship between husband and wife was always strained by the way he liked to pretend to be her brother. Way awkward.


King David

Definitely bisexual, and more than a little entitled, sleeping with David was like sleeping with the most popular guy in school. A great notch to have in your belt, but ultimately kind of a letdown. With David, it was really all about the chase, and once he got you, he didn’t really know what to do with you. His talents with the lyre, though, suggest that his digital work was excellent.


Jonah

Jonah was a nightmare in bed. You’d spend days chasing him down because something about him was very attractive, but once you got him between the sheets he was a real downer, and afterwards would immediately fall into a very deep sleep. He whined constantly, and would never take the hint when you were trying to get him to try something new.


Mordecai

A very jealous lover, and generally melodramatic. He’d make you do all the work, but it was worth it to be with the guy who knew everyone, and who everyone owed a favor.


Of course, my friends and I wanted to be egalitarian–we certainly didn’t ignore the women in favor of the men! Stay tuned for Part 2 of “Behind Closed Doors with the Men and Women of the Bible,” also known as “What Happens When Jewish Kids Get Drunk.”

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Author of Jewrotica's Double Mitzvah column, Tamar Fox is a writer and editor in Philadelphia. She will try anything once, including open relationships, dating someone who is chalav yisrael, and going to Suriname.
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