Making A Very Long Story Merely Long
“Why are you here doing this with me when you know it would hurt L? You know yourself what it feels like to be betrayed like this. And don’t give me your idealistic ‘everyone should be able to love everyone’ bullshit. Something like that can only work when all parties involved know about it and agree to it.”
“L and I have reached what I like to call a comfortable rut. She doesn’t seem too eager to change things right now. This is something new and foreign to me so it’s exciting. You make me feel alive again. And I really do believe people should be as physically affectionate with one another as they want. Wanting to be with you doesn’t affect my commitment to L. I love her and would never leave her.”
Of course, she thought, if he really loved L he would have refused to stay in her bed the very first night she offered.
“I could also be in complete denial and wanting to justify my actions,” he added.
“There is a part of me that feels wrong about all of this. I don’t want to hurt L. And I tell myself ‘this time, I’ll tell him he needs to sleep on the floor or find another place to stay.’ But then Thursday night once again rolls around, and all I want is to have you in my bed with me.”
“Yeah, I was surprised you invited me into your bed at all, let alone allowed the spooning to start.”
There was a pregnant silence in the dark of her bedroom.
“I hope you don’t get offended, but it seems you don’t get much physical affection. I find that really sad. I don’t know how you could go so long without it. I know I would go crazy myself,” he said tentatively.
She couldn’t be insulted–he was correct. She was completely starved for physical touch. From anyone. Even girlfriends. For some reason, she wasn’t physically affectionate with anyone in this new place. Mostly it felt like the wrong setting. Back in the dorms it was always easy to cuddle, to give and receive massages. There was more hugging, and constant puppy piles on those hilariously tiny beds. She didn’t have that, living by herself. And at work wasn’t really the proper location. She’d become kind of closed off.
She told him all of these things and added “When it comes to male affection it really isn’t that hard for me. With so little experience, I don’t really miss what I never had. I certainly yearn for it, and may at times feel like I’m going out of my mind, but mostly I just deal.” And she spoke about her uncle molesting her when she was four. The few experiences of intimacy with boyfriends she’d had up until that point always made her initially feel sick to her stomach, the way she used to feel around her uncle. It was something she had to push down and ignore. The instinct to ignore the feeling always turned around and bit her in the ass, resulting in panic attacks and broken relationships.
“Then why are you here with me?”
“With you I feel so safe. I have yet to feel like pushing you away. It feels like intimacy therapy.”
“It makes me feel good doing this for you.”
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Dear Jewrotica
Confess
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