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The Best Time I Didn’t Have a Threesome

By on January 5, 2016
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Pent-up sexual energy is a powerful force, and so is the allure of the taboo–especially when it’s birthed from religious disenfranchisement.

The conversation devolved into what it would be like to have a threesome with the Elephant on the road, now long disappeared into our rearview mirror.

There was some dirty talk. We had been on the same one-lane road for hours, with nowhere to pull over so we could get in the backseat and fuck among our beach gear and bike helmets. We had to content ourselves with words, with imagining who our lucky third wheel would be, what she would do, how we would negotiate the sheer physical fact of three people in a bed, instead of two.

When we finally arrived at our rental house, we fucked immediately, frenzied and voracious. “Let’s do this,” we whispered afterwards. “I want to.”

But who? Like a teenage boy in a sex comedy, we were gripped, driven, and defined by desire, but had no idea where or how to find release. It’s not like you can just sidle up to some chick on the street and say “excuse me, ma’am, but I’d like you to help me blow my boyfriend and then fuck you while he watches.” It’s the eternal problem of dating, times three; it’s uncool to advertise so openly what you want. There’s a process involved. Whether it takes a night or a month, both parties partake of an equal amount of coaxing and flattering, of selective self-representation, before they end up in bed. This process is magnified, complicated, when two thirds of the equation is looking for something so specific. Not just sex, but a threesome with a hot, uninhibited stranger who wouldn’t spend the night.

We both rejected Craigslist out of hand, terrified of who or what we might find. Neither of us had any interest in fucking our friends (too awkward) or contracting a stranger’s gonorrhea. I made subtle inquiries of a friend who engages in regular threesomes with her live-in boyfriend. She instructed me to live with hippies and make lots of polyamorous friends. Helpful.

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