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Fantasizing in the Gush

By on May 21, 2014
Fantasizing in the Gush3

Fantasizing in the Gush3

Forgive the precise details of this rendering as it’s been eight years since I’ve seen the film, but this scene played and replayed in my head for years. And it was thinking about this scene that I experienced my very first orgasm – seven years later.

Allow me to explain why my experience with Medurat Hashevet was particularly powerful and strangely how it inaugurated me into the world of adult sexuality seven years after the fact:

1) Secular Israelis are so saturated with mainstream culture that it may be hard for them to understand just how deeply affecting an experience like this could be, but this was the first time that sexuality became relatable to me.

I had not ever been exposed to an environment like the one in the film. Growing up, I was always a “good girl” and had no desire to be promiscuous. I felt little connection to the sex oozing from western cultural influences like MTV. Outright sexual imagery didn’t interest me because I couldn’t relate.

But here – in this movie – was someone like me. And through this scene, the actors presented information in a new way that I could actually digest. A teenage girl from a dati li’umi environment going to a B’nai Akiva event on Lag Ba’Omer? Quadruple check! The sexual energy, hunger and lust of the scene set in a familiar environment felt real and translated back into my own life. Whereas a secular person may not have thought twice about the scene, these images were incredibly powerful given my religious and cultural milieu.

2) Losing myself in the campfire scene gave me permission to feel sexual. After all, Tami didn’t actually want any of what they were doing. She was dressed tzniusly, she was attending a wholesome event and she didn’t have a real choice in what happened because they forced it on her. She couldn’t be blamed for participation. And by extension, I couldn’t be blamed for vicariously experiencing the scene and my own sexuality.

It was in this state of “blamelessness” that my mind was freed to explore the hidden realms of sexuality that had been kept from me for so long. I would replay this scene in my mind. Sometimes I would play the role of Tami. Sometimes I would be an observer. Occasionally I would let my imagination take the scene even further and become aroused as I saw the things that these boys would do to her. But for years – whether I was physically touching myself or just day dreaming and thinking about the scene – there always got to a point in the fantasy where things would feel “too intense” and I would stop – pleasured and aroused but shy of orgasm.

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