Ritual Observance

A100 ritual observance

Written by Andrew Ramer. Andrew Ramer, an experienced Jewrotica writer, is an ordained maggid (sacred storyteller) and the author of numerous books and articles including Queering the Text: Biblical, Medieval, and Modern Jewish Stories. He has just completed a lyrical, apocalyptic story-cycle, When People Still Lived on the Earth, about how we destroyed this lovely planet, and what happened to us afterwards, in heaven.

For more Jewrotica writing by Andrew, check out “In The Heart of The Heart Of The Palace“,”In A Pillar of Cloud“, “In Whose Image“, “Licked in Brooklyn“, “Lecha Dodi” and “How I Wrote for Unexpected Intimacy“.


Rated RHe said, “I hate this holiday.” He said, “It’s a ridiculous consumer event that has nothing to do with real relationships.” He said while I was unzipping his fly, “So I hope you didn’t get me any flowers or buy me one of those sappy sentimental cards. And you know that I’m allergic to chocolate. Plus, it’s a goyishe holiday.”

I said, “Its roots are pagan, like lots of Christian holidays.” I said, “It goes back to an ancient Roman festival called Lupercalia,” I said while pulling his pants down, “held in honor of Lupa, the she-wolf who nursed the infants Romulus and Remus, the founders of the city of Rome.”

He said, “Come on, Fivel.” He said, “It’s just a Hollywood invention, a way of simulating intimacy in a culture that’s dead from the neck down.”

“Could you scoot down a little bit,” I said. “Zev, it’s the perfect holiday for you. Your name means wolf and it’s the wolf festival,” I yanked down his boxers, blue flannel with little yellow bunny rabbits on them. “You have such a beautiful cock,” I said as I wrapped my left hand around it.

He said, “Don’t try to do what you did to me at Christmas. I hated coming over and finding that tree in your bedroom.” He said, “Just because we’re not frum anymore doesn’t mean that we can abandon everything.” He said, “That feels good, baby.”

I said, “Come on, you loved screwing me with only those little twinkling lights on.” I said, “And the tree is pagan, also.”

He said, “That’s even worse.” He said, “That makes it avodah zarah.”

I said, “Come on, you left the yeshiva before I did.” I said, “And you started eating treif way before I did.” I said, looking up at him, “So don’t start telling me about foreign worship now.”

He said, “Slower.”

I said nothing as his cock slid down my throat.

He said, “Oh, God.”

I pulled up and said, “Happy Valentine’s Day.” I said, “This is all you’re getting.”

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