Online Erotica & The Space to Move Forward: A Modern Jewish Sexual Ethic

Judaism views sexuality as sacred indeed, yet the ecstatic sanctity of sexuality is to be confined to a marital context. The Jewish view of sexuality can be summarized quite succinctly in the Epistle of Holiness, Iggeret Hakodesh, written by Nahmanides in the 13th century:

Unfortunately, because this sex-positive attitude only encompasses married sex, men and women in the Modern Orthodox community are deeply struggling with it. Modern Orthodox Jews socialize with members of the opposite sex and get married in their early or late twenties, postponing sexual interaction long beyond the time that this framework would have initially required. The legal proscription to refrain from touching members of the opposite sex, known as shmirat negiah (and colloquially as shomer negiah or shomer) is a constant struggle for single people as well as those in relationships. It can often lead to confusion and resentment among couples, and when individuals do sometimes choose to stop the practice, they find themselves having to negotiate boundaries in unfamiliar territory.

In the Jewrotica post, In Defense of “Everything But” as a (Modern?) Orthodox Ideal, author Shayna Abramson explains that young Jews in the Modern Orthodox community often leave because of the overwhelming guilt and hypocrisy they feel as they navigate the world of sexuality. She suggests that there is possibly legal space for overturning the law restricting touch between men and women, which

She doesn’t deny the importance of boundaries, but emphasizes that depriving people of human contact doesn’t works so well in this postmodern era, especially for those Jews who must daily navigate the secular world. The truth of this article is demonstrated in an overactive comment section where every perspective is represented with supporting texts and acknowledgements of the problems that underlie male/female relations. The commenters discuss hook-up culture on the Upper West Side, issues facing divorcées, and acknowledge that once a person has “strayed,” it’s very hard to ever go back. (6)

The honesty that Abramson displays around this issue is a recent development. It has only been in the past ten years that women’s groups, anonymous blogs, university Orthodox communities, progressive educational institutions like Yeshivat Hadar and Drisha and advocacy organizations like the Jewish Orthodox Feminist Alliance have given a voice to the struggle of being Orthodox Jews, sexual beings, and committed to halacha (Jewish law). For many Jews who grew up observant, this encounter with their own sexuality is often the first time they experience a dissonance between religion and human desire. Growing up in a religious community can make the everyday observance of laws like the Shabbat (Sabbath) and Kashrut (dietary restrictions) second nature. But the struggle with sexuality can present a slap in the face, and is one that is becoming ever more present and pressing. But within the confines of religious tradition and Godly laws, the way forward is not always clear.

In Michael Warner’s “Tongues Untied: Memories from a Pentecostal Boyhood,” he states that religion is a rapturous form of becoming, one that provides a rich and sensuous life through an attachment to text and enlivened ritual, and a religious lens through which to view the world. The vital, textual, replicable continuity that Warner values and loves will struggle to continue in the face of evolving sexual mores because it means a radical new understanding not just of sexuality, but of the nature of divinity and revelation. (7) Communities that are tied to religious textuality will struggle to find the space for movement if they hold to a narrowly defined understanding of their Holy Books and the words contained therein; if the word of God was articulated once for all time, there can be no new understandings as the surrounding society shifts.

Tamar Ross, in her acclaimed work, Expanding the Palace of Torah, posits an expanded idea – that of cumulativism, or a cumulative revelation. Cumulativism holds that revelation is an ongoing process, whereby the metaphorical “voice” of God is present in the ongoing interpretation of text and the evolution of ideas over time. The new ideas that arise are understood in context of what came before and work in conjunction; they do not supplant previous laws or knowledge. (8) This idea of a continued revelation, of ideas and tradition that and laws that expand with time while still maintaining their authenticity, can serve as the basis of the idea of a modern sexual ethic that still holds religiosity at its core.

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