Written by Shayna Abramson. Shayna is a first-time Jewrotica writer.
A friend of mine recently shared an article demanding more dignity for single women in the Modern Orthodox community. As a single woman who self-identifies as Modern Orthodox (yet occasionally finds herself in Conservative synagogues), my first thought was “Yay!”, which is about as profound as I get before I’ve had my cup of coffee. As I read the article however, my “yay” turned into “nay”: The article complained about Orthodox society expecting single women to live in perpetual pre-adulthood until their wedding days, but it didn’t mention one of the most harmful ways that expectation manifests itself: inside the bedroom.
I don’t mean the marital bedroom: I believe that pre-marital sex is neither a prerequisite for nor a guarantee of married sexual bliss. I mean the pre-marital bedroom: Most Orthodox women are expected to not be sexually intimate before their wedding day. They are expected to have never been kissed when they walk down the aisle. They are expected to miss out on an essential physical and emotional part of adult life, because there is a rabbinic fear that if they have that while being single, they won’t get married and produce Jewish babies. While sexual pressure might be effective, it is certainly not healthy, and at a certain point, the desire to be physically intimate can skew a person’s perceptions, making it more difficult for them to have a healthy relationship that results in marriage. One can only but imagine what it might feel like to have one perception of what marriage might be for someone who is only focused on finding someone to share their twin mattress.
I have never seen anyone link the rise of “shomer negiah,” the practice of abstaining from any pre-marital intimacy, and the “shidduch crisis,” in which Orthodox Jews are marrying later and less frequently. Yet in “Excerpts from Interviews with Orthodox Singles”, Koby Frances and Jennie Rosenfeld maintain that current Orthodox social norms – ie. shomer negiah- ensure that “with the sexual lives of single people in particular, there are few venues for socially legitimate discussion and guidance. Unmarried couples who are in a conflicted quagmire about their intimacy and shared physical or sexual experiences, are often uncomfortable and ashamed discussing together the meaning of their relationships, the limits or discomfort in their intimacy…When people internalize the message that this is not to be spoken of, it is not a far jump to believe that it can also not be thought about. The result is that many single adults lack the language in which to internally process and outwardly discuss their sexual feelings and experiences….silence on the issue was also often accompanied by deep guilt and confusion, not only for physical contact, but even for experiencing the desire for such contact. The guilt was mostly unproductive in that it did not lead to any form of teshuvah, but only to increased feelings of guilt and self-loathing.” (Blau, 123-4)
Given all the challenges to a healthy attitude towards one’s own sexuality – and by extension, to a healthy romantic relationship – listed above, is it purely coincidental that the rise of “shomer negiah” and the “shidduch crisis” both seem to coincide?
Celebrating 10 Years & Marking the End of An Amazing Project
Celebrating 10 Years & Marking the End of An Amazing Project
You may not tell your mom that you’re going to a live Jewrotica reading (or whatever clever name you will dub these events) but you will tell your friends. However, both would be jealous if they find out that they missed it. I think it will only be a matter of time before Jewrotica helps us reclaim the term “Dirty Jew” the way rap music has done for “The ‘N’ Word.” I know I am now proud to be a Dirty Jew!
Learning about sex and what’s right and wrong when it comes to sex from a Biblical standpoint was an eye opening experience. I completely enjoyed it and think something like this could be a very cool thing to bring to even high school aged Jewish youth groups.
Jewrotica rocks. It’s funny, it’s informative, it’s sexy, it’s interesting. Check it out!
Jewrotica is something that the community has needed for a long time so that people can actually learn, express and share and have good relationships without having to stumble through life. Check out the site and learn something. Have fun!
Such an amazing experience! The Sarah Lawrence Jewrotica workshop was more than I could have ever expected – a comfortable, safe, sultry environment where participants clearly felt good about sharing or listening to each other’s intimate experiences and relating them to sexy stories from the Torah. From the moment the workshop began, Ayo had a sweet presence that was kinetic and spread around the room; her storytelling abilities had everyone enraptured and made the conversation topics relata… Read more
I love the inclusiveness – there is something for everyone, in and out of the Jewish community.
The Jewrotica event “Evening of Jewrotica: Bedside Reading” was awesome. As Master of Confessions, I got to read the deepest, darkest secrets of people in the room out loud… It was scintillating, titillating, and – yes – even educational!
While many people fear the “sex talk,” Jewrotica offers an opportunity for writers and audiences to speak about sexuality in a open and safe space. When I attended a Jewrotica reading, I heard stories that reminded me that love takes many forms, and that expressing it is a vital part of who we are as a people.
I’m Heshy Fried from Frum Satire and I am very, very frum. And I completely support Jewrotica – it’s doing a service to the frum community. We need some sort of kosher sexual education. Jewrotica even has a system that allows frum filters to filter out certain things to make it PG for us. It’s mamish Torah. It’s like The Little Midrash Says for sex.
I had a great time deejaying at the Jewrotica event at Columbia University. The live readings were hilarious, informative, and in some cases, deeply moving. I know that I, along with many of my AEPi fraternity brothers, loved being able to connect our Judaism and our sexuality in a way that made all of us feel comfortable and welcome. I look forward to being a part of this again in the future!
Copyright © 2014 Jewrotica.org. All Rights Reserved.
Built with Love and Mischief.
Designed by Ayo Oppenheimer and
David Abitbol
Pingback: Kiruv | Jewrotica
Pingback: Fish for Thought: Pants | Jewrotica
Pingback: Tu B’Av: The Jewish Valentine’s Day? | Jewrotica