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In Defense of “Everything But” as a (Modern?) Orthodox Ideal

By on October 16, 2012
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Written by Shayna Abramson. Shayna is a first-time Jewrotica writer.

Rated PGA friend of mine recently shared an article demanding more dignity for single women in the Modern Orthodox community. As a single woman who self-identifies as Modern Orthodox (yet occasionally finds herself in Conservative synagogues), my first thought was “Yay!”, which is about as profound as I get before I’ve had my cup of coffee. As I read the article however, my “yay” turned into “nay”: The article complained about Orthodox society expecting single women to live in perpetual pre-adulthood until their wedding days, but it didn’t mention one of the most harmful ways that expectation manifests itself: inside the bedroom.

I don’t mean the marital bedroom: I believe that pre-marital sex is neither a prerequisite for nor a guarantee of married sexual bliss. I mean the pre-marital bedroom: Most Orthodox women are expected to not be sexually intimate before their wedding day. They are expected to have never been kissed when they walk down the aisle. They are expected to miss out on an essential physical and emotional part of adult life, because there is a rabbinic fear that if they have that while being single, they won’t get married and produce Jewish babies. While sexual pressure might be effective, it is certainly not healthy, and at a certain point, the desire to be physically intimate can skew a person’s perceptions, making it more difficult for them to have a healthy relationship that results in marriage. One can only but imagine what it might feel like to have one perception of what marriage might be for someone who is only focused on finding someone to share their twin mattress.

I have never seen anyone link the rise of “shomer negiah,” the practice of abstaining from any pre-marital intimacy, and the “shidduch crisis,” in which Orthodox Jews are marrying later and less frequently. Yet in “Excerpts from Interviews with Orthodox Singles”, Koby Frances and Jennie Rosenfeld maintain that current Orthodox social norms – ie. shomer negiah- ensure that “with the sexual lives of single people in particular, there are few venues for socially legitimate discussion and guidance. Unmarried couples who are in a conflicted quagmire about their intimacy and shared physical or sexual experiences, are often uncomfortable and ashamed discussing together the meaning of their relationships, the limits or discomfort in their intimacy…When people internalize the message that this is not to be spoken of, it is not a far jump to believe that it can also not be thought about. The result is that many single adults lack the language in which to internally process and outwardly discuss their sexual feelings and experiences….silence on the issue was also often accompanied by deep guilt and confusion, not only for physical contact, but even for experiencing the desire for such contact. The guilt was mostly unproductive in that it did not lead to any form of teshuvah, but only to increased feelings of guilt and self-loathing.” (Blau, 123-4)

Given all the challenges to a healthy attitude towards one’s own sexuality – and by extension, to a healthy romantic relationship – listed above, is it purely coincidental that the rise of “shomer negiah” and the “shidduch crisis” both seem to coincide?

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Shayna is a native Manhattanite whose interests include Torah, human rights, and poetry. An avid procrastinator, Shayna spends most of her time on Facebook, or watching any game involving the Brazilian soccer team. Brasil para Mundial 2014!
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