Written by Herb Foster. Herb, a first-time Jewrotica writer, is the author of the best-selling Ribbin’, Jivin’, and Playin’ the Dozens and is working on the manuscript Ghetto to Ghetto: Yiddish and Jive in Everyday Life. Herb is also our most mature contributor to date at 84 years old and is President Emeritus of the Martha’s Vineyard Hebrew Center.
On February 15, 1941, at the age of 13, at Beth Israel Congregation of Boro Park in Brooklyn, NY, I became a bar mitzvah and, hence, a man. On January 29, 2011, at the age of 83 at the Martha’s Vineyard Hebrew Center, I had my second bar mitzvah, became a man again and started my second lifetime. The idea for a second bar mitzvah came from the Book of Psalms where King David noted that 70 years is the average person’s lifespan and a man reaching that age starts a new life. Therefore, 70 years plus 13 years equals 83, and, if one wishes, one can have a second bar mitzvah.
As a guy from Brooklyn, three of the topics I most often thought and talked about with friends were sports, women, and sex. Hence throughout my life my brain has tried to comprehend and come to terms with what women and sex are all about. Without a doubt, sexual customs have changed in the 70 years between my first and second bar mitzvahs and twice becoming a man. I now find myself witnessing a different world of sexual mores – in particular for those much younger than I.
After I graduated from high school, I went to NYU for one week and then took a leave and enlisted in the US Army. Back at NYU by way of the GI Bill, I joined the NYU Outdoor Club and met my wife-to-be Anita. I was married to Anita, my college sweetheart, for 54 years when after a long bout with Parkinson’s disease she passed away on January 8, 2006.
One night, about three years later, after great internal philosophical debate about whether I would be more attractive to a woman with or without a wedding ring, I finally took my wedding ring off as I went to bed. About three that morning pangs of conscience awoke me. I jumped up and figured that Anita was saying, “Not Yet, Herb,” and I quickly put the ring back on my finger.
A few days later, however, I took my ring off again because my conscience was more at ease; I figured it was OK to find a woman with whom to share time and feelings. With Anita as my omnipresent standard and steadfast baseline, I thought I knew the type of woman, this second time around, with whom I would want to share my outdoor life, other interests, and, of course, sex.
Since then, I have been dating a few women who are either divorced or widowed. I have learned that many women who have lost their spouses, for whatever the reason, keep their rings on as well as keeping their late husband’s name in the phone book. These women tell me that they feel safer by doing so. By comparison, a few weeks after Anita’s death I had Anita’s name removed from the telephone book.
Anita and I have two daughters – Donna, 55, and Andrea, 53. Since Anita’s death, my daughters and I have discussed my meeting and getting involved with another woman. Our common agreement is that anyone I date seriously should be older than Donna. Furthermore, my daughters are supportive of my becoming involved with another woman.
Back in my earlier days, most often there was necking, petting, and if you were lucky, sex – possibly only after you were engaged and then with a ring. When purchasing a condom, you waited until there was a male behind the counter to sell you the then-hidden and treasured product. Our wallets had the shape of the condom showing through the wallet walls. All the guys I knew back then carried a condom in their wallets. Per the Boy Scout motto, you always wanted to “Be Prepared.” However, I never knew of anyone who actually had used his condom. As I think back, I figure if anyone got lucky, the condom would have probably disintegrated from old age!
Since Anita has been gone, I have been teased about women bringing me a casserole. I respond by noting that no one has brought me a casserole. Sometimes when I grouse that no women are hitting on me when I am supposed to be such a good catch, my male friends tell me I am too independent and some women like to marry men they can take care of. Of course, many women in my age group are not looking to take care of another man.
Initially, a woman friend told me I was too naive to realize when a woman was hitting on me. That led me to become a bit paranoid and think that when a woman in conversation tells me that I must be dating a bunch of women, I think she is really saying, “Herb, take me out.”
Because the Vineyard is a small community with countless yentas, I found out that there was somewhat of a wager about which of two women would nail me. Had I been asked I would have noted that neither was in contention. I am also amazed and laugh at the stories I hear about the large number of women I am allegedly dating and sleeping with. Like George Washington, I was sleeping everywhere. All of which is untrue.
Celebrating 10 Years & Marking the End of An Amazing Project
Celebrating 10 Years & Marking the End of An Amazing Project
Jewrotica is a great way to ask interesting questions about the interplay between sensuality and Jewish wisdom. Check it out.
I’m Heshy Fried from Frum Satire and I am very, very frum. And I completely support Jewrotica – it’s doing a service to the frum community. We need some sort of kosher sexual education. Jewrotica even has a system that allows frum filters to filter out certain things to make it PG for us. It’s mamish Torah. It’s like The Little Midrash Says for sex.
Learning about sex and what’s right and wrong when it comes to sex from a Biblical standpoint was an eye opening experience. I completely enjoyed it and think something like this could be a very cool thing to bring to even high school aged Jewish youth groups.
Jewrotica is awesome. It expands the mind and for people who were raised with narrow views on sexuality. Whether you are Jewish or not, or in different sects of Judaism like Orthodox, Conservative or Reform, no matter what your background or where you’re from, Jewrotica gets you to see Judaism and how it relates to sexuality in new ways. I really appreciate Ayo being here and helping us learn different ways to connect with our sexuality.
At Jewrotica’s Evening of Bedside Readings, students declaimed monologues on sexual encounters that had a Jewish twist. At Columbia/Barnard Hillel, the speakers pushed their own boundaries by performing a range of explicit narratives that challenged how the audience thought of the relationship to Judaism and sex. During the speakers’ preparation, the arguments about which narratives would be appropriate forced students to take a stand and voice their opinion on their own beliefs about Judaism an… Read more
I stepped out of my comfort zone to be a part of this. I was glad to open up the topic of sexuality in my community. We are trying to build a safe space to talk about sex. The result I am most happy about coming from this event is that hopefully now my friends know they can come and talk to me, that I can be their ‘safe space’.
You may not tell your mom that you’re going to a live Jewrotica reading (or whatever clever name you will dub these events) but you will tell your friends. However, both would be jealous if they find out that they missed it. I think it will only be a matter of time before Jewrotica helps us reclaim the term “Dirty Jew” the way rap music has done for “The ‘N’ Word.” I know I am now proud to be a Dirty Jew!
I attended and participated in last month’s Jewrotica event. The engaging performers and Ayo, our inviting host, inspired the audience to feel like one big community. What a great way to inspire our community to embrace sex as a beautiful thing that can be fun, exciting, sacred, sensual, ridiculous, scary and everything in between!
I’m so glad that Jewrotica is represented here at Jewlicious! It’s bringing voices that need to be heard in the Jewish discussion and Jewish climate environment.
I love the inclusiveness – there is something for everyone, in and out of the Jewish community.
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