Written by Sarah Tuttle-Singer. Sarah is a first-time Jewrotica writer, but a long-time author of satire and comedy. For more pieces by Sarah, visit her blog.
Ladies, I may have some bad news: While it’s usually OK to screw your brains out when you’re pregnant, using a vibrator may be a little more risky – If you’re not pregnant though, and wanting to have great sex whilst using a vibrator, have a cheeky look at these LG recommendations.
It’s like this: No matter how incredible and mind-blowing your partner may be in bed (or in the backseat of a car, or in the shower, or on a pool table), orgasms from a vibrator are…well…more electrifying. It’s nothing personal. Anything battery operated that pulsates like 1,000 times a second is bound to deliver the goods harder and faster. And this in turn can stimulate uterine contractions. So, if you’re looking for a hell of an orgasm, you’ll definitely want to check out the best range of vibrators in Australia, though it may be a good idea to stay away if you are pregnant.
Well, it was a sad, sad day when I developed uterine irritability during the second trimester of my first pregnancy, and my doctor had to put me on pelvic rest. It was like he had stapled a giant HAZMAT sign to my lady business. And so, along with the whole enforced celibacy thing, I was forced to pack up my neon purple iRabbit (and I thought giving up alcohol was hard!) for the sake of my unborn child.
But then, as soon as my doctor gave me the green light, my iRabbit made it’s triumphant return to my bedside nightstand drawer where it lived happily ever after…until the day of my daughter’s simhat bat.
My humiliation. Let me tell it to you:
While the guests poured into our home, my daughter and I hung out in the bedroom, waiting to meet with our rabbi to discuss a few things about the ceremony. Now, let me tell you, our rabbi is awesome. I’ve known him since I was a little girl. He presided over all the services I went to with my family when I was growing up. He told the best Jewish scary stories at sleep-away camp. He officiated at my bat mitzvah. And my mom’s funeral.
It seemed fitting that he be part of this rite of passage, as well.
Also? Despite my stint pole dancing at Cat Club in San Francisco when I was 23, (seriously, Dad? funwithtrains.com!) and the six weeks I spent dating a guy in the Israeli mafia when I was in high school, I’m basically a nice Jewish girl. I always did the extra credit assignments during Hebrew School. I never snuck out of my bunk at sleep-away camp. I was even selected to receive a special college scholarship from the synagogue. And the nice Jewish girl in me was happy that my rabbi would see that my then-husband and I were bringing our daughter into the community in such a meaningful way.
(“Wait, what does this have to do with vibrators?” I hear you cry. Trust me. I’ll tell you.)
The rabbi arrived, greeted us with many “mazel tovs,” and we got down to business. He asked if my daughter was named for anyone special, as is Ashkenazi Jewish custom. And she is. In fact, the poor kid has not one, not two, but three names to honor six people. Yeah, don’t get me started: The birth certificate woman at the hospital wanted to cut me, but I was still high from the epidural and reeling in melodrama.
Given the long list of family members we chose to honor when naming our baby, the rabbi stood up and said he needed a pen and paper to write it all down. And before I could stop him, he reached over to open the bedside drawer.
Now, let’s get something straight: I do not have a pen in my bedside drawer.
Nor do I have paper.
Instead, I have a bottle of K-Y Jelly, enough Trojans to take over Troy, and my neon-purple iRabbit vibrator.
As cliché as it sounds, it really was like the whole thing happened in slow motion. I tried to block him, but I was still a little unstable with the baby in my arms. And so, I had to make a split-second decision: either I drop my daughter on the floor and keep my secrets safe in the bedside drawer, or I sacrifice my dignity while keeping my baby girl safe and sound. Well, shalom, dignity. Vaya con dios, and don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.
To make matters worse, I’m pretty much a slam-bam-thank-you-iRabbit kind of gal, so I’m not always careful when I put my vibrator away. When the rabbi grabbed the knob and pulled, the drawer stuck.
Celebrating 10 Years & Marking the End of An Amazing Project
Celebrating 10 Years & Marking the End of An Amazing Project
The people behind Jewrotica are quite quality! I have confidence that any project these folks take on will be equally quality.
Learning about sex and what’s right and wrong when it comes to sex from a Biblical standpoint was an eye opening experience. I completely enjoyed it and think something like this could be a very cool thing to bring to even high school aged Jewish youth groups.
Such an amazing experience! The Sarah Lawrence Jewrotica workshop was more than I could have ever expected – a comfortable, safe, sultry environment where participants clearly felt good about sharing or listening to each other’s intimate experiences and relating them to sexy stories from the Torah. From the moment the workshop began, Ayo had a sweet presence that was kinetic and spread around the room; her storytelling abilities had everyone enraptured and made the conversation topics relata… Read more
I attended and participated in last month’s Jewrotica event. The engaging performers and Ayo, our inviting host, inspired the audience to feel like one big community. What a great way to inspire our community to embrace sex as a beautiful thing that can be fun, exciting, sacred, sensual, ridiculous, scary and everything in between!
I’m so glad that Jewrotica is represented here at Jewlicious! It’s bringing voices that need to be heard in the Jewish discussion and Jewish climate environment.
While many people fear the “sex talk,” Jewrotica offers an opportunity for writers and audiences to speak about sexuality in a open and safe space. When I attended a Jewrotica reading, I heard stories that reminded me that love takes many forms, and that expressing it is a vital part of who we are as a people.
You may not tell your mom that you’re going to a live Jewrotica reading (or whatever clever name you will dub these events) but you will tell your friends. However, both would be jealous if they find out that they missed it. I think it will only be a matter of time before Jewrotica helps us reclaim the term “Dirty Jew” the way rap music has done for “The ‘N’ Word.” I know I am now proud to be a Dirty Jew!
What an incredible night Jewrotica was!!!! There was this fantastic moment, in a sea of Jews of all sexualities, ages, backgrounds and denominations, that I realized we were all in this together! I hope that there are many more events coming to Austin soon!
Jewrotica is a great way to ask interesting questions about the interplay between sensuality and Jewish wisdom. Check it out.
Jewrotica was everything I had dreamed of and more: sexy attendees, tantalizing confessions, and well-written literature to boot! More importantly, it empowers us Jews to reach inside and own our sexy selves and heritage!
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