Written by Sarah Tuttle-Singer. Sarah is a first-time Jewrotica writer, but a long-time author of satire and comedy. For more pieces by Sarah, visit her blog.
Ladies, I may have some bad news: While it’s usually OK to screw your brains out when you’re pregnant, using a vibrator may be a little more risky – If you’re not pregnant though, and wanting to have great sex whilst using a vibrator, have a cheeky look at these LG recommendations.
It’s like this: No matter how incredible and mind-blowing your partner may be in bed (or in the backseat of a car, or in the shower, or on a pool table), orgasms from a vibrator are…well…more electrifying. It’s nothing personal. Anything battery operated that pulsates like 1,000 times a second is bound to deliver the goods harder and faster. And this in turn can stimulate uterine contractions. So, if you’re looking for a hell of an orgasm, you’ll definitely want to check out the best range of vibrators in Australia, though it may be a good idea to stay away if you are pregnant.
Well, it was a sad, sad day when I developed uterine irritability during the second trimester of my first pregnancy, and my doctor had to put me on pelvic rest. It was like he had stapled a giant HAZMAT sign to my lady business. And so, along with the whole enforced celibacy thing, I was forced to pack up my neon purple iRabbit (and I thought giving up alcohol was hard!) for the sake of my unborn child.
But then, as soon as my doctor gave me the green light, my iRabbit made it’s triumphant return to my bedside nightstand drawer where it lived happily ever after…until the day of my daughter’s simhat bat.
My humiliation. Let me tell it to you:
While the guests poured into our home, my daughter and I hung out in the bedroom, waiting to meet with our rabbi to discuss a few things about the ceremony. Now, let me tell you, our rabbi is awesome. I’ve known him since I was a little girl. He presided over all the services I went to with my family when I was growing up. He told the best Jewish scary stories at sleep-away camp. He officiated at my bat mitzvah. And my mom’s funeral.
It seemed fitting that he be part of this rite of passage, as well.
Also? Despite my stint pole dancing at Cat Club in San Francisco when I was 23, (seriously, Dad? funwithtrains.com!) and the six weeks I spent dating a guy in the Israeli mafia when I was in high school, I’m basically a nice Jewish girl. I always did the extra credit assignments during Hebrew School. I never snuck out of my bunk at sleep-away camp. I was even selected to receive a special college scholarship from the synagogue. And the nice Jewish girl in me was happy that my rabbi would see that my then-husband and I were bringing our daughter into the community in such a meaningful way.
(“Wait, what does this have to do with vibrators?” I hear you cry. Trust me. I’ll tell you.)
The rabbi arrived, greeted us with many “mazel tovs,” and we got down to business. He asked if my daughter was named for anyone special, as is Ashkenazi Jewish custom. And she is. In fact, the poor kid has not one, not two, but three names to honor six people. Yeah, don’t get me started: The birth certificate woman at the hospital wanted to cut me, but I was still high from the epidural and reeling in melodrama.
Given the long list of family members we chose to honor when naming our baby, the rabbi stood up and said he needed a pen and paper to write it all down. And before I could stop him, he reached over to open the bedside drawer.
Now, let’s get something straight: I do not have a pen in my bedside drawer.
Nor do I have paper.
Instead, I have a bottle of K-Y Jelly, enough Trojans to take over Troy, and my neon-purple iRabbit vibrator.
As cliché as it sounds, it really was like the whole thing happened in slow motion. I tried to block him, but I was still a little unstable with the baby in my arms. And so, I had to make a split-second decision: either I drop my daughter on the floor and keep my secrets safe in the bedside drawer, or I sacrifice my dignity while keeping my baby girl safe and sound. Well, shalom, dignity. Vaya con dios, and don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.
To make matters worse, I’m pretty much a slam-bam-thank-you-iRabbit kind of gal, so I’m not always careful when I put my vibrator away. When the rabbi grabbed the knob and pulled, the drawer stuck.
Jewrotica rocks. It’s funny, it’s informative, it’s sexy, it’s interesting. Check it out!
I had a great time deejaying at the Jewrotica event at Columbia University. The live readings were hilarious, informative, and in some cases, deeply moving. I know that I, along with many of my AEPi fraternity brothers, loved being able to connect our Judaism and our sexuality in a way that made all of us feel comfortable and welcome. I look forward to being a part of this again in the future!
I stepped out of my comfort zone to be a part of this. I was glad to open up the topic of sexuality in my community. We are trying to build a safe space to talk about sex. The result I am most happy about coming from this event is that hopefully now my friends know they can come and talk to me, that I can be their ‘safe space’.
Jewrotica is inspiring Jews and erotica with holiness and coolness, and is the pride of progressive Judaism. Jewrotica – awesome!
You may not tell your mom that you’re going to a live Jewrotica reading (or whatever clever name you will dub these events) but you will tell your friends. However, both would be jealous if they find out that they missed it. I think it will only be a matter of time before Jewrotica helps us reclaim the term “Dirty Jew” the way rap music has done for “The ‘N’ Word.” I know I am now proud to be a Dirty Jew!
The Jewrotica event “Evening of Jewrotica: Bedside Reading” was awesome. As Master of Confessions, I got to read the deepest, darkest secrets of people in the room out loud… It was scintillating, titillating, and – yes – even educational!
I love the inclusiveness – there is something for everyone, in and out of the Jewish community.
Bedside Reading with Jewrotica was funny, sexy, and hot all at once. The readings were honest about all kinds of sexuality, but the highlight of the evening was definitely the confessions, written by audience participants. Nobody knew who wrote them, and most were tell-alls that would make your bubbe blush. Unless your bubbe was very, very cool. Then maybe she’d make YOU blush!
Jewrotica is awesome. It expands the mind and for people who were raised with narrow views on sexuality. Whether you are Jewish or not, or in different sects of Judaism like Orthodox, Conservative or Reform, no matter what your background or where you’re from, Jewrotica gets you to see Judaism and how it relates to sexuality in new ways. I really appreciate Ayo being here and helping us learn different ways to connect with our sexuality.
My opinion on Jewrotica is: It’s sexy. It’s awesome. It’s Judaism to the next level. It’s what we should all be getting into!
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