Online Erotica & The Space to Move Forward: A Modern Jewish Sexual Ethic

PART ONE: Welcome to Jewrotica

Ayo Oppenheimer grew up in religious community with little formal education on sexuality, and secular college – the “first orientation event was condom bingo” – provided an enormous cultural shock. Easy touch between men and women, parties, sex in dorm rooms; all of it was brand new. (10) At 21 she married, and was forced to confront the fact that “her lack of practical sex ed had left [her] woefully unprepared for married life.” (11) Her Jewish education prepared her to be an adult and leave home, succeed in school, be a responsible woman, but it had left out this crucial point. She took callah, or bride classes before marriage to learn laws of of menstrual ritual purity and when the teacher mentioned lubricant, she still found herself a bit scandalized by the “dirtiness” of it. Her path to “self discovery was fairly unorthodox.”

Three years ago she decided to “hack her life” and begin a road-trip of self-discovery across North America. (12) It was on this journey that she first encountered sex-positive Judaism and the awesome idea that any sexual activity between consenting adults is inherently great. Discussions of sex are almost entirely avoided in the Yeshiva day schools of Modern Orthodox communities, and so Oppenheimer was floored. An open and honest discussion of sex and desire among people of all ages and experience levels was unfathomable to Oppenheimer within a Jewish context. (13)

Oppenheimer realized that much of the sex-negativity of Christian culture that is pervasive in North America has worked to highjack the traditional Jewish values toward sex, creating a lack of conversation and education in observant communities, and cultivating the idea that sex is something dirty and taboo. On the other hand, Jews who grow up in less observant communities rarely have access to traditional Jewish insight into sex. These Jews often assume that traditional Jewish values toward sex are just as negative as Christian ones, and so ideas of sanctification and boundaries are often thrown aside as patriarchal and antiquated. Jewrotica’s goal is to open the conversation and provide meaningful dialogue for Jews across the denominational spectrum, illuminating Jewish sexual values while having a bit of fun, too. (14) Jewrotica.org creates a space that celebrates the ways that Judaism makes sense of the world while still being honest. The passion, the orgasms, the pain, the honesty, the joy of touching and being touched; Jews of all stripes experience it just like everyone else.

Since the launch six and half months ago, Jewrotica has grown at a very successful rate. It receives between 2,000-12,000 site visits per day, and after being featured in the Spanish language newspaper, El Mundo, it jumped to 50,000 visits per day for a short period. It has an active Twitter with a humble following of 230, and 768 page likes on Facebook. One or two pieces are posted a day, and the queue is swamped, with an average of 50-60 submissions waiting to be read and edited (Jewrotica accepts any and all submissions, except for those that are blatantly anti-Semitic). There have been over 60 contributors so far ranging in age from 19 to 84, who have written over 125 pieces. Many publish under their real names, but many posts are anonymous, as are most of the confessions and all of the fantasies. There is a core of regulars who post and comment, and there are many dedicated fans. (15)

A handful of similar websites have come before, and websites like MyJewishLearning.com publish articles on sexuality and relationships. You can find appropriate sex toys in discreet packaging at KosherSexToys.net. Fruminskinnyjeans.com has popped up as an anonymous blog that discussing all of the struggles to navigating religiosity on the Upper West Side (the veritable Mecca of Modern Orthodox Jews in their 20s).

Jewrotica differs in that its goal isn’t to proscribe actions, muse on general struggles, or deliver sex toys inconspicuously. Rather, the goal is to improve the quality and quantity of this conversation, to add to the growing body of Jewish erotica, and to bring a new kind of learning and engagement – a new kind of Torah – to light. (16) It provides a space for a multiplicity of voices and conversations as a tool to explore and converse, the vision being to create a community of dialogue and conversation.

Oppenheimer goes beyond editing and managing the website- she is also an active moderator of conversations that take place in the comments sections of posts. She asks guiding questions,inquires into the comfort levels of readers and how to tailor their experience, and prods difficult discussions along. She is in many ways the “Rabbi,” the reigning scholar of this new Torah, providing a way to navigate its intricacies and internal arguments for the disciples of Jewrotica.

As they move out their next phase of workshops and lectures for young adults, the idea of a community of inclusion will build. In order to ensure that all visitors are comfortable, what you read can be customized by genre and rating (PG, PG-13, R, XXX). The sections span Reflections, Resources and Reviews, Confessions, Fantasies, Naughty, Romantic. There are stories of straight and gay couples, anonymous sex, ultra-orthodox and completely secular.

There are stories about abuse and violence, like Permanent, the story of a young woman who leaves her religious community and becomes a tattoo artist after being sexually molested by a rabbi, only to be later called to testify in his trial. (17) A Letter to My Daughter About Fighting Back, which barely mentions Judaism, reveals to a girl how her mother was once a victim of domestic violence. (18) There are funny stories, about how a Rabbi came to see a woman before the naming ceremony for her baby daughter, and accidently found her vibrator when he went to look for a pad of paper in a drawer. (19) The Many Flavors of Pleasure comes from the sex-ed column, and compares sex to frozen yogurt; you shouldn’t be afraid to try new flavors! The resident sex-ed editor talks about mixing things up and finding erogenous zones. (20)

Chanukah Miracle recalls a woman’s first time with another woman, surrounded by the accoutrements of Chanukah. “I could barely see the outline of the [glossary]menorah[/glossary] you had by your window, the shades drawn up slightly, so that those on the street would see the testament to God’s miracles.” And in reclamation of miracle and sex, she “wondered what could be a more glorious miracle than two people exploring each other’s bodies. Where was the ritual to publicize the pleasure of your lips on my lips, your thighs on my thighs?” The sex that they have is one of those miracles; intentional, pleasurable, elevating. “I had never understood why the rabbis considered collar-bones erotic, until I kissed yours.” The familiar made erotic, made transcendent, all by the light of an object of ritual, a reminder of the past and the future. As she leaves the apartment the next morning, she crosses the threshold of the apartment and says the shehekhiyanu blessing, thanking God who has “granted us life, sustained us, and enabled us to reach this occasion,” a blessing said after new experiences. She is sanctifying the act, the miracle, the liminal experience as she crosses the threshold of a home, beneath where a mezuzah (a scroll of parchment containing verses from the Torah that Jews are commanded to affix to every doorpost in their home) sits – a reminder of the presence of God in our lives. (21)

Shabbos Hello also uses the light of candles, this time Shabbat candles which are also reminders of the sanctity of the day and used to provide light in the home. The encounter between the man and woman is mediated beforehand- he texts to see if she uses her phone on the Sabbath. She does, and invites him over. Their sex isn’t penetrative, but it is transformative. The light of the candles is repeated no less than five times, emphasizing the spreading of light between two people, the sharing of it, learning from it. It is considered a mitzvah for a couple to have sex on Shabbat, and this couple who observe Shabbat in their own way, see each other through “the faint light in [his] hand.” (22)

These are just a few examples of the kind of sex, the perspectives and experiences and meaning that each reader and writer can glean and give. Every perspective is portrayed in the stories that are published, and there is no judgment from the moderators (and rarely from the peanut gallery) based on what a person does or does not do. Even when individuals comment and converse, the editors always join in with questions, challenging readers to think with an open mind about each submission without jumping to conclusions about good or bad. Those who regularly post and converse are building a community of understanding, a safe space to share and ask questions.

That safe space is slowly evolving off of the page – Jewrotica held its first US event at Columbia University on March 3, 2013, a “Bedside Reading,” where students were invited to share their own erotica stories with an audience. (23) For the first time since the launch, there was buzz in the air about this new website. But for all the incredible discursive space it has created online, it is not often a topic of conversation offline. It may be sufficient for some sexual subcultures to exist solely as a vibrant online community, but in order for a practical Jewish sexual ethic to evolve, the conversation must permeate the tangible realm of daily, lived experiences. Until the name “Jewrotica” is universally recognized on the Upper West Side, the actual reach of this discursive space, this community of sex-positive Judaism, will be modest at best. The change that has been affected in a mere five months though gives a great deal of hope about the long-reaching impact that this new movement will have.

1 – Oppenheimer, Ayo, Personal Interview (28 Mar. 2013).

2 – Rubin, Gayle, “Thinking Sex: Notes for a Radical Theory of the Politics of Sexuality” The Lesbian and Gay Studies Reader. Ed. Henry Abelove, Michèle Aina Barale, and David M. Halperin. (New York: Routledge, 1993) 11-15.

3 – Pellegrini, Ann, “Religion, Sexuality, and American Public Life” (New York University, New York: 27 Mar, 2012), Lecture.

4 – Na?manides, Igeret Ha-?odesh: She-shala? Ha-Ramban Le-e?ad Ha-?averim.(Yerushalayim: ?edem, 1971), 175.

5 – Abramson, Shayna ,”In Defense of “Everything But” as a (Modern?) Orthodox Ideal,” Jewrotica. (N.p., 16 Oct 2012, Web Nov 2012) .

6 – Abramson (In Defense of “Everything But”).

7 – Warner, Michael L., “Tongues Untied: Memories of a Pentecostal Boyhood” Queering Religion. Ed. Gary David Comstock and Ed. Susan E. Henking (New York: The Continuum Publishing Company, 1997), 223-231.

8 – Ross, Tamar, Expanding the Palace of Torah: Orthodoxy and Feminism (Waltham, MA: Brandeis University Press, 2004), 197-198.

9 – Buber, Martin, and Walter Arnold Kaufmann, I and Thou (New York: Charles Scribner’s Sons, 1970), 151.

10 – Oppenheimer, Ayo, “Welcome to Jewrotica – A Note from Jewrotica Editor Ayo Oppenheimer,” Jewrotica. (N.p., 8 Oct. 2012, Web Oct. 2012) .

11 – Oppenheimer (Welcome to Jewrotica).

12 – Oppenheimer (Welcome to Jewrotica).

13 – Oppenheimer (Personal Interview).

14 – Oppenheimer (Welcome to Jewrotica).

15 – Oppenheimer (Personal Interview).

16 – Oppenheimer (Welcome to Jewrotica).

17 – Fox, Tamar ,”Permanent,” Jewrotica (N.p., 21 Jan 2013, Web Feb 2013) .

18 – Tuttle-Singer, Sarah, “A Letter to My Daughter About Fighting Back,” Jewrotica (N.p., 20 Nov 2012, Web Dec. 2012) .

19 – Tuttle-Singer, Sarah, “The Rabbi and the Vibrator,” Jewrotica (N.p., 7 Aug 2012, Web Oct 2012) .

20 – Yacobi, Mara, “The Many Flavors of Pleasure,” Jewrotica (N.p., 21 Feb 2013, Web Feb 2013) .

21 – Abramson, Shayna, “Chanukah Miracle” Jewrotica (N.p., 10 Dec 2012, Web Apr 2013) .

22 – Goode, Ahava, “Shabbos Hello” Jewrotica (N.p., 15 Apr 2013, Web 20 Apr 2013) .

23 – “Events Schedule,” Jewrotica (N.p., n.d. Web. Apr. 2013) .