Fantasizing in the Gush
Though marital intimacy was held as an idealized standard, I was practically taught to relate to my sexuality in negatives. My teachers explained that it was up to me to guard my integrity, to uphold the wall of shomer negiah and to not even let a boy hold my hand – a dangerous and forbidden slippery slope.
Like most girls my age, I had crushes, but they were what I would call cutesy crushes. I would crush on the really frum guys – the short and thin ones with brown hair and brown eyes. The guys who looked like they would make great yeshiva bochurs. The ones that always acted like upstanding mensches – doing chesed for other people, learning and davening regularly, and not containing a trace of sexual insinuation or “impropriety”.
In my daydreams, I would try these guys on as my future chatans and would imagine them – get ready for it – dancing with me. Dancing was something that I could relate to, and that was about as raunchy as my thoughts got all the way through high school graduation.
(Occasionally I would imagine kissing the guys. Just a quick kiss though – nothing longer than a peck.)
These PG thoughts continued through the start of my studies in midrasha until an incredible thing happened in 2004: the film Medurat Hashevet (Camp Fire) was released, replete with fascinating PG-13 content, and my fantasy life was born.
Camp Fire describes the experience of a single mother trying to gain acceptance into a yishuv in the Gush. The subplot tells the story of her two daughters going about their teenage lives in this new dati li’umi community. So how did this film – ostensibly a mirror image of my own sheltered life – trigger my sexual awakening?
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