A Proclamation on World Union Day

Written by Andrew Ramer. Andrew Ramer, an experienced Jewrotica writer, is an ordained maggid (sacred storyteller) and the author of numerous books and articles including Queering the Text: Biblical, Medieval, and Modern Jewish Stories.

For more Jewrotica writing by Andrew, check out “In The Heart of The Heart Of The Palace“,”In A Pillar of Cloud“, “Ritual Observance“, “Licked in Brooklyn“, “Lecha Dodi” and “How I Wrote for Unexpected Intimacy” and In Whose Image.

After generations of rallies and riots, uprisings and revolutions, secular and religious, anti-religious, fundamentalist of every variety, and sometimes alliances of both. After hundreds of years of stirring speeches, of flyers posted on lampposts, telephone poles, then electronically. And of militant publications published by writers whose sloganeering work was only read by readers who already agreed with them ——— increasingly, people of faith, hope, good conscience and transformative vision, came to realize that nothing they’d been doing was making a difference in the world. The people in power stayed in power, or were replaced by people who became them. And the people with money kept it, every once in a while offering up one of their own to the masses, which always bought them just the time they needed to regroup, retrench, and get richer. Naturally the violence continued, and grew worse, in every part of the world, with always the same people suffering: women and children, the poor and those who were already disenfranchised, not to mention the greed-inspired destruction of the planet itself, whose greatest impact was, of course, on those already impoverished, marginalized, oppressed.

It was then, when the aforementioned people of good conscience finally realized that nothing had changed and never would if they continued to use the tactics of the past, that Eva Greenberg-Smythe, the noted Australian-Jewish author and activist, put out a call to her associates on the OuterNet, inviting them to a secret conference. Three months later representatives from every part of the world gathered together in a steamy Fourth World country to discuss, under Greenberg-Smythe’s guidance, in a despairingly open-hearted way, everything that they suspected might actually work at transforming adult human beings. After much debate, conflict, argument, and every faction being given the chance to try out their techniques for change on all of the other delegates – it became perfectly clear to all assembled that there was only one unfailingly infallible tool for turning a bad person into a good one, a rich person into a generous one, and a plain old fashioned pig into a paragon of healing and love – really good sex.

And so it was that the International Union of Transversive Sex Agents was formed, in the desperate toxic early years of the 22nd century, after Jerusalem, Shanghai, Chicago, and Buenos Aires had all been vaporized by Nargaline terrorists, and after the sea level of the world’s oceans had risen by three feet, making coastal cities around the world uninhabitable. The last-ditch goal of the union, under the direction of Greenberg-Smythe and her global cohort, was to spread not ideology or dogma but radical transformation and embodied bliss throughout the world, via juicy, wet, and cell-changing sex. Training for these agents was extensive, as you may recall from history, and by the time sex agents were sent out on their first mission, they knew every technique, position, method, format, for inducing lasting change in the people they made love with, frequently using information collected by the late 20th and early 21st century Jewish sex educator Dr. Bruce Eastheimer.

Remember Bradley Steinberg-Greenberg, the dull and fantastically handsome first Jewish president of what was once the United States of America, on a damp night in New Jersey at a fund raiser, when a dark vivacious woman from the press corps, of mixed Sephardi and Chinese background, wearing a rich purple dress, neither too tight nor too loose, came up to him and asked if she could interview him? Her thorough training could waylay the most militant of atheists, best of Christians, faithful of Muslims, loyal of Hindus, devout of Buddhists, and in this case, most Orthodox of Neo-Reformist Jews.

But it wasn’t sex alone that changed Bradley Steinberg-Greenberg – Eva Greenberg-Smythe’s second cousin once removed on his mother’s side, although the two had never met, except on each other’s OuterNet page. It wasn’t just the joy, the pleasure, the wet wonderful coming together of bodies in a sacred merging he had never experienced before with his wife, a twelfth generation rabbi with whom he’d never been unfaithful before. Just as important, if not more so, was what happened afterward, in the soft close silence, the tender warm embrace. Her few whispered words, the right questions, her quiet suggestion to see a different way, hear something new, try something else. It didn’t fail with the dull but charming president of the United States, who found himself grown faithful to something all together new and different, beyond the ever-popular Biblical-Revivalist polyamory. Nor did it fail with all the other heads of state the agents approached, or with the CEO’s of all the multi-national corporations on the planet, whose behind-the-scenes power had controlled so much of the world for so many years, and helped to nearly destroy it.

Riots hadn’t worked, petitions did nothing, revolutions are what wheels do – they turn around and around till everything comes back to right where it started. But the International Union of Transversive Sex Agents, in nine years time, nine years and twenty-seven thousand four hundred and eighty-one really good fucks, was able to change the course of history. They solved the remaining conflicts in the Middle East, finally managed to halt any and all environmental destruction, and the still shaky but vastly improved era we now live in is the result of their good works. And that is why we declare this the third Wednesday in August, in honor of Eva Greenberg-Smythe’s one hundredth birthday, to be henceforth and forevermore, World Union Day. So in your families and neighborhoods, in your houses of worship and in your workplaces, continue to spread the blessings of compassionate consummation throughout the world. And remember the motto of those blessed and planet-healing sex agents, always placed below their logo of two copulating dolphins – “One world, wet and writhing.”