Sex with the Rabbi #2 – Neil F. Blumofe

[Editor’s Note: This is the second post in our Sex with the Rabbi series. Each column profiles one rabbi’s response to an assortment of sexuality and Judaism-related questions. Rabbis from across the denominational spectrum are invited to participate. Our series kicked off with Rabbi Rachael Bregman of Atlanta, Georgia and continues with Rabbi Neil F. Blumofe of Austin, Texas.]

Bio: Neil F. Blumofe is the Senior Rabbi of Congregation Agudas Achim in Austin, Texas, (650+ families). He holds Rabbinic Ordinations from both the Jewish Theological Seminary (JTS) in New York and the Academy for Jewish Religion in Los Angeles. Neil is active in the greater Austin music community — producing and performing in the monthly “Jazz and the Art of” series for the public radio station (KUT) “Views and Brews” series at the historic Cactus Café, in Austin. His weekly Liner Notes on various jazz artists can be heard on the radio in Austin every Sunday morning and is distributed across the country. He is on faculty at St. Edwards University, teaching in both the Religion and Humanities Departments. Blumofe has been a Rabbis without Borders fellow in New York, participated in work with the American Jewish World Service in Ghana, Africa, and is a member of the Institute for Jewish Spirituality, and is a member of the upcoming Rabbinic Leadership Initiative at the Hartman Institute in Jerusalem, beginning this summer. He is also an active Crossfitter.

What’s the most common sex-related question you get from your community members?

Beyond the challenge of folks wanting to meet each other and addressing issues of loneliness, many coupled individuals come in to ask for guidance in navigating a relationship where sex is absent, or infrequent. Partners often have different conceptions of intimacy and the task at hand is how to advocate for what one needs and expects with healthy communication and generosity, within the holy trust of commitment and consideration.

What story from the Torah do you think has the most to teach us about sexuality?

I think the grandeur of the Torah allows us to find depth in all that we study. Currently, I am thinking of the limits what we need and what we think we need as the Israelites prepared to receive the Torah at Mt. Sinai, specifically the added directive by Moses to “not draw near a woman” (Numbers 19:15). Why does Moses add this extra prohibition, which is not part of the original guidance given by God? What rules and roles do we set for ourselves that cause us pain and distraction away from our central goals? What gets in our way towards good sexual health? What do we think is important and how do we arrange our lives in pursuit of certain goals and with the opportunity cost of not achieving others?

What’s the best way to keep a relationship vibrant?

To continually touch base together about expectations and shared goals. To share interests is important — however, more important is to share humor and goodwill. One must dance between revealing too much with a committed partner and to shutting down and living a life separate from a primary relationship. Putting other activities before a committed relationship is always a temptation — yet we must endeavor to not be afraid of risk-taking and to express oneself with authenticity and to listen with compassion, in return, no matter the claims, or the time of day.

What do you think is the biggest sexuality-related problem for the Jewish community right now?

Focusing on the craft and the protection of a particular relationship. We have a tendency to share our entire journey with our admirers and friends, at the risk of cheapening our most precious relationships. Some things should not be expressed publicly — and turning away from public confession into performing the hard work of nurturing what is right in front of us and sanctifying those whom we might take for granted, will sanctify and revivify our choices and will serve us well.

What’s your favorite Jewish book on sexuality?

The Talmud. Throughout this exceptional Oral Text, we have questions and curiosities that provoke us from our accustomed ideas and that compel us to freshly explore our assumptions and platforms of reality. In studying the chorus of multiple voices overlaid in the Talmud, we realize that we timelessly exist in a vast and complex interweaving of hopes, dreams, fantasies, and frustrations. In learning our traditions, we can be poised to find courage to encounter our own lives from a place of companionship and with nonjudgmental guidance, knowing that we are not alone and that our tradition is open and waiting to help us to a place of mercy and wellbeing.