Encounter and Havdalah

There are things that Modern Orthodoxy no longer considers to be problematic in the realm of sexuality – the male gaze is no longer an object of regulation, nor are hirhor, inappropriate thoughts. We draw communal lines, modern boundaries, in some places and not others, and this is deeply indicative of the kind of space for expansion that exists. Tremendous ingenuity – moral imagination – was employed toward the creation of a legal loophole that allows for individuals to carry objects from private to public domains on the Sabbath. One is allowed to carry in a public domain that is a walled city, and so the rabbis of the Talmud engineered eruv, which allows for a large area to be encompassed by a string strung from trees (or today, telephone polls), effectively making a “walled city” and enabling carrying, a huge hindrance otherwise.

If so much thought and consideration can be put into this area of daily life, surely the same amount of art/yetzer/imagination can be put toward finding an ethic of modern sexuality that moves beyond the dynamic of sin/repentance, and instead toward expression and honesty that still maintains textual authenticity. If the erotic is a tool for overthrowing oppression, then so is the yetzer; it is through our moral imagination that we can move beyond constraints of our time and find space for expansion and action. This imaginative capacity of religion can make space for all lived experiences.

This is especially important as men and women attempt to navigate a world of touching and interacting that they have never experienced before, especially if it is on unequal terms with their partner. The I-It world is a comfortable one filled with stability, stimulation, knowledge and excitement. So when a You moment appears it can drastically shift the balance, rocking the solid ground upon which a person previously stood; “their spell may be seductive, but they pull us dangerously to extremes, loosening the well-tried structure, leaving behind more doubt than satisfaction, shaking up our security…” (107) New experiences of sex can do the same exact thing, and so knowledge and understanding of the ways in which to navigate sexuality as I-Thou is
crucial to maintaining balance when a moment of Encounter finally presents.

One of the most controversial and fascinating sections of Winkler’s Sacred Secrets comes at the end, where he presents and analyzes a legal responsum from the 18th century Rabbi Yaakov Emden. In this responsum, Emden advocates for a new paradigm of pilagesh. Often taken to mean “concubine” in the Bible, Emden explains that it was a form of a nonmarital sanctioned relationship. (108) It was legislated out of existence by previous decisions because of fears of social stigmas, but Emden asserts that this paradigm holds great legal standing and should be revitalized in order to prevent young adults from going astray or jumping into marriage.” (109)

Though written several hundred years ago, this responsum is deeply applicable today. People are living longer, delaying marriage, increasing education, and choosing their own partners. Winkler asks if God really wants us to be totally alone and to “suspend [our] burning sensuality” for however long it takes or instead rush into marriage? The Torah was “given to humans and not to angels.” (110) This option, of consensual non-marital relationships established by verbal agreement sounds a great deal like the committed, monogamous relationships that abound today. What an excellent paradigm for allowing for sex and touch outside of strict confines. Regardless of the specific policy implementation, the overarching point is that there are dozens of options for paving a way forward, dozens of options within the grasp of halakha, so many options that make sense in this time and for different people that still retain a textual relationship with rabbinic Judaism, but also allow for a personal autonomy and are morally compelling.

The point is that we have the space to move forward, we are creating a dialogue surrounding that space, and we must now take that first step. It is unclear what practical effect Jewrotica will have on halakha in the Modern Orthodox community, which is still controlled overwhelmingly by older, male, conservative rabbis who are empowered to make legal decisions for their communities. However, the creation of a critical mass of conversation within the Modern Orthodox community is crucial. Just as women’s religious leadership and communal treatment of homosexuality is gaining dialogical momentum and entering halakhic discourse, so too the increased visibility of the kinds of conversations that Jewrotica fosters will eventually push the conversation to a place of action.

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