Encounter and Havdalah

One of the cultural flashpoints of the moment is the hit HBO series Girls. Girls is filled with sex scenes that are often anything but sexy. They depict messy, awkward, bored sex that rarely looks like any fun. It’s the sex of Experience that isn’t mutual and isn’t intentional. Girls has been lauded by many for showing what the sex lives of people in their 20’s are often really like: not that great. And yet, this shouldn’t be a societal reality to which we should resign ourselves. Instead of praising the courage to depict it, let’s try and find a paradigm in which people can have agency in their sexual choices but also enjoy the sex they then get to have. In many ways the treatment of sex in Girls makes it seem less pornographic; sex is often labeled pornographic if it is depicted as satisfying, and it’s labeled as realistic if it looks difficult and unfulfilling.

The complexity here lies in reclaiming the positive sex that the pornography of Jewrotica publishes. Experiences for pleasure aren’t always as cringe inducing as Girls portrays them for the sake of the storyline. Sometimes a person just wants a pleasurable encounter, something that feels good and is easy. There is value in lust and sensuality as long as it does not overwhelm reason. That too is yetzer, and the Rabbis of the Talmud certainly acknowledged it. It was problematic at times and not at others. And it’s entirely possible to have this kind of sex – the sex of Experience – within the sacred confines of a marriage. Marriage is no guarantor of eroticism and Encounter.

Encounter in sex is about intention and movements of bodies in sync; about intensifying the experience and pursuing a pleasure that rocks you to your core. Finding that space of mutuality is easier with someone whom you know, whom you trust. It doesn’t have to take place in a marital context. An I-Thou experience can be chosen with an unsanctified partner; for in your Encounter, you sanctify the moment with your intention. Instead of an I-It Experience, instead of using another’s body for your own masturbatory purposes, you can use it to find mutual pleasure and even transcendence.

Encounter doesn’t have to be holy, but holiness can only be achieved through Encounter. But the desire to fuck and be fucked, touch and be touched, can still overwhelm. Sometimes that can be merged with Encounter and it becomes better when it is. Sometimes both people, both sets of desire are so united in their goal for touch that Encounter finds them. Let that then, be the goal: that knowledge and meaning can lead to sex that is (almost) always mind-blowing. For it is not the sex itself that will change a person, but rather the dynamic between the two people that can affect them irreversibly:

Danya Ruttenberg, in The Passionate Torah, explains that ideas about sex in Judaism are complex, sometimes enlightened and sometimes problematic. The Passionate Torah is arranged into three sections based on Buber’s philosophy. The first section, I-It, deals with areas in Jewish law and tradition that relate to sex as experience, as object – the problematic. The second section is comprised of I-Thou essays that explore the Encounter, the subject relations, the enlightened possibilities and things that Judaism gets right. And the third section is a new construction of We-Thou, “[which] transcends Buber’s formulation to think about ways in which the community as a whole might imagine a shared future,” envisioning a space for new and open ideas of sexuality within the context of living Jewish tradition. (106) Some essays discuss God, others do not; some delve into the human vulnerability that comes with sex, and others describe the transformation that ensues when an experience becomes an Encounter. Her framework is one that we can apply to our understanding of the past, the present, and our hoped for future as we interact with each other, with God, and with a continuous revelation.

What the Orthodox community has at present isn’t enough. Young women and men are struggling to find that space of honesty that bridges the distance between their religiosity and their human need. I recently had the opportunity to sit in on a discussion of sexuality in Modern Orthodox communities, held at the Bronfman Center at NYU, given by Dr. Jennie Rosenfeld. Dr. Rosenfeld has done a great deal of research in this issue, and was one of the co-authors of “The Newlywed’s Guide to Physical Intimacy,” a very honest, accurate, and appropriately graphic manual for newly married Orthodox couples. The room was packed with women, and we discussed whether or not the framework of sin/transgression is appropriate for a discussion of sexuality (Dr. Rosenfeld maintains that we must, if we are to be honest about the standing of Jewish law); female masturbation; oral sex; sex education; shomer negiah and much more, all from a group of unmarried, Modern Orthodox women.

One of Dr. Rosenfeld’s most crucial points was that, regardless of what decisions a person makes, these decisions need to be considered fully and made actively, because “you can’t grow from something that you never fully own- your sexuality.” Thoughtfulness will bring Judaism into the moment, no matter the subsequent actions taken or avoided. Halfway through the two and half hour discussion, one woman stated that “people openly acknowledge the problem on a regular basis, but I’ve never heard of a solution offered.” Open acknowledgement is a very large step in the right direction, but if we keep talking about sex, and talking about how we talk about it, we will only succeed at delving further into the realm of Experience, of scientia sexualis, of juridico-discursive power. What we need instead are solutions that allow for an ars erotica to emerge. Dr. Rosenfeld’s Ph.D. research let her to the articulation of two separate paths, one seeing sin and repentance as a process of growth, and one that created a sexual ethic of transgression. While creative and imaginative solutions, I would argue that assuming the primacy of sin and the immutability of halakha does not solve the larger problem. Instead, we must look for something better.

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