Wandering in the Desert

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A153 wandering

My mother didn’t approve from the beginning – something to do with my Sri Lankan horoscope carried out by a highly respected priest and astrologer who had predicted that a relationship would appear that, in his words, would seem like a sweet ripe mango but inside would be rotten.

I dismissed my mother’s words as paranoid hocus pocus/mumbo jumbo and continued full steam ahead with enjoying the honeymoon period with the Hunter. However, only a few short months in, after the initial sheen wore off, it was obvious that there were fundamental differences between us – we didn’t share the same values or traditions – whilst the Mensch and I had been to some extent from different worlds, we had a deep affinity and we definitely shared the same values. But the Hunter and I operated on completely different wavelengths, and the relationship was already gyrating in an uncomfortable way.

Deep down I knew then that it was a relationship beset for failure and I actually tried to walk away after that realisation, but somehow got re-entangled. The sad truth is that from that moment I felt alone in the relationship, but having seriously invested in a way I had never done before in a relationship (living with him before marriage, introducing him to my family and friends/getting close to his family etc.), I allowed my desire to make it work overcome the voice in my head that told me that it was not right. But there is only so long that pretences can be kept up.

And so one day after months of misery, after the Hunter left for work, I packed as many of my things as I could and left. The truth is that even though I was the one who upped and left, we both knew the relationship was dead in the water and had been for a long time. And suddenly I was single again and dealing with the resultant pain from the break up – although it was a different sort of pain from the break up with the Mensch – that was heartbreaking – this was just disappointing on so many levels: I was disappointed in myself, in the Hunter and in the relationship.

After the initial debauched partying stage to numb the pain, I started searching for answers. I wanted to understand love and soulmates on a different level than I had so far understood it. I felt like I had been starved of spirituality and depth for the last 18 months that I had spent with the Hunter. I wanted to understand myself better and what it was that I needed before I pursued love again. Dating was the last thing on my mind – I felt like I was on a journey of the soul and began to meditate regularly with a group. as I asked myself more questions and searched for answers to questions I didn’t even know I had yet, but that my soul was desperate for me to address.

During my time with the Hunter I had lost my sparkle and vibrancy, and to be blunt I had lost my mojo in the relationship and for the Hunter. Now I felt I was slowly healing and getting it back. Just as I felt that sparkle return, on one fateful evening, when I was least expecting it, I met X. It was the ultimate cliché: he walked into the crowded, noisy house party I was at and our eyes literally locked across the room. Within minutes he had made enquiries to find out if I was single, and upon receiving confirmation he wasted no time in making sure we were introduced. I had never really believed in past lives until I met X but he was so familiar to me and there was such a strong attraction that when we eventually kissed, I felt like I wasn’t kissing a stranger but someone that I had been with before. It was an inexplicable connection, but suffice to say X and I were drawn to each other like bees to honey.

It turned out he knew the Mensch. Yes, X was another Jew and from a similar background to the Mensch -six degrees of separation and all that. I felt a connection with X that I had never felt with the Hunter and that helped heal the bitter aftertaste of that relationship. However, my time with X, whilst passionate, was equally rocky. I was in the throes of rebound and was the definition of a hot mess. He too had his own things going on – being of a certain age, wanting to settle down, debating reuniting with an ex – meeting me and experiencing passion of other sorts that made him question himself.

Our backgrounds and the religious differences between us were clearly an issue, but unlike with the Mensch, it wasn’t the sole issue – there was also where we were in life. I was very much on the rebound and was soul searching, I didn’t know who I really was and I wasn’t emotionally stable or in the same place X was. Even though being with him fulfilled me in some ways, my soul was yearning for the man that satiated every aspect of me. and I felt sadness and longing for the man that I didn’t yet know, but wanted to experience complete love with.

Deep down I knew it was only a matter of time before things with X ended. Then one day out of the blue, a friend forwarded me an email on a lecture about soulmates – at the Kabbalah centre. I had heard of Kabbalah – a form of Jewish mysticism that was apparently now used as self-help by various high profile celebrities, but the celebrity aspect and tabloid reports of it being a moneysucking cult had naturally put me off. But given my mind was on soulfulness and love, this lecture sounded right up my street, so I arranged to go. I told X of my plans on one of our evenings together and he was excited for me, curious and supportive. But I think we also both knew the end of the road was coming for us sooner rather than later.

The next time we met there was poignancy to our passion. It was bittersweet, and was the last time we would see each other. To this day I credit him with being the man that brought my spark back. He was more than just the mojo-reawakener as I had dismissively referred to him as. He was a good man – of the same ilk as the Mensch. But whilst we were clearly meant to come together, we didn’t belong together, and with perfect synchronicity, I suddenly found myself single, celibate and feeling soulful as I approached my first class at the Kabbalah centre. Little did I know that attending a random lecture out of curiosity would lead to a journey of mysticism and love that took me to places both physically and metaphysically beyond my wildest imagination.

To be continued in Part IV of IV…

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Ambi is a lawyer, expert commentator and author living in Los Angeles.