Dear Jewrotica #3 – Halachic Positions

You’ve touched upon a number of important issues. I’ll attempt to address them all. Finding the community that’s right for you can often be difficult. Such difficulty can be compounded by the expectations we have about the synagogue we pray in. The issues you have with your current synagogue seem to relate to its ability to help you find a suitable mate. If the congregation meets your spiritual needs then I suggest you stick with it. As to your physical needs, there are alternatives. Imagine your ideal mate and ask yourself where she might be at any given moment. Attend places and events where you think you might find her. In this day and age, especially in or near a major metropolitan area, your love options need not be restricted to just your synagogue.

As to the correlation between Orthodoxy and sexual repression, well… all I can say is that your mileage may vary – if you find the right person, you can easily combine a healthy and satisfying sex life with observance. The “repression” you observed is probably more a function of prevailing cultural and societal norms than it is a reflection of authentic Judaism.

Judaism dictates that sexual pleasure is a woman’s right and a man’s obligation (see Talmud, Ketubot 61b and Eruvin 100b). Furthermore, the Mishneh Torah, in Laws Concerning Forbidden Relations 21:9 states “Since a man’s wife is permitted to him, he may act with her in any manner whatsoever. He may have intercourse with her whenever he so desires and kiss any organ of her body he wishes, and he may have intercourse with her naturally or unnaturally, provided that he does not expend semen to no purpose. Nevertheless, it is an attribute of piety that a man should not act in this matter with levity and that he should sanctify himself at the time of intercourse.”

Regarding the technicalities, Shmuley Boteach’s book “Kosher Sex” is chock-full of information. Rabbi Boteach believes that a healthy sexual relationship can indeed include oral sex if the purpose is not to frustrate the impregnation process. In other words, if the purpose is to make sex pleasurable, then it’s okay. It seems to me that you possess a healthy concern for your mate’s pleasure, so that’s a good thing. Now of course Boteach’s position is a controversial one and not all Rabbis agree with it. You can and should certainly discuss the details with your favorite Rabbi but ultimately, what goes on behind closed doors is between you, your mate and God.

I’ve been surprised and sometimes downright shocked by how lenient many Rabbis can be when it comes to “permitting” all different types of sexual positions and ejaculations – including oral sex, anal sex, vibrators of all kinds, deviant sexual behavior and even masturbation – depending on the circumstances. Not that I necessarily recommend Rabbi “shopping”, but it is common and accepted to ask different questions to different Rabbis depending on their areas of expertise. The most critical thing to remember about sex is communication – before, during, and after sex. Chances are, if it’s something that both you and your partner are into, there is most likely a way to make it permissible if you are open and honest with each other and with a Rabbi that you trust.

 

As someone who has journeyed from an irreligious background to an observant one, the dating thing was insanely burdensome. Particularly due to what you have described. However, what I did learn during my journey is that there are hundreds of different opinions regarding halacha and what you do may be fine according to one rabbi and assur according to the next. For example, sex positions: a frequently circulating opinion within religious circles is that the best sex position is missionary with lights off. Well… it never states so in the Torah. In addition, there is a separate teaching that stresses the importance of physical relationship between husband and wife to the point that anything is permissible as long as it makes the couple happy. Therefore, 69, doggy style, reverse cowgirl and anything else you can think of is fine. The only thing it does say in the Torah is that G-d killed Onan and his brother because they spilled their seed – meaning they refused to ejaculate inside of a woman. One teaching is that this means that the man must always cum inside the woman’s vagina. My retort, however, is that it doesn’t really say where inside the woman a man should ejaculate…

And by the way… don’t stress over G-spot. There are so many nerve endings in that region that as long as you pay attention to all, you’ll leave your partner extremely content and yearning for more.

 

Ditto everything everyone else said. But especially the point that David and Larisa made about the many halachic permits given in order for couples to feel good together and get sexual satisfaction together. It sounds like you might not have actually talked to a rabbi about this, and I’d encourage you to find one who you connect with, and have the conversation. I suspect you’ll be pleasantly surprised.