Home / Essays / An Oh-So-Presidential Analysis

An Oh-So-Presidential Analysis

By on November 6, 2012
Prev2 of 2Next
Use your ← → (arrow) keys to browse

A35 elections

Presidential analysis by Shayna Abramson.  Shayna, an experienced Jewrotica writer, is the author of Kiruv.

Mitt Romney is quite the ladies’ man. Leaving aside his sexy CEO-look (talk about power-play in the bedroom: Oh Mittens, I’ve been unprofitable this quarter. Do you need a spanking? Let me see your dividends), he also has his Mormon code of ethics working in his favor: Not only do you know he is a man of values, but also, when he tells you you’re beautiful, you know it’s not just the wine talking – he actually means it. He also cares very deeply about many important issues, such as balancing the budget, creating jobs, and increasing American prestige abroad. Just don’t expect him to stuff too many bills down your g-string, unless he has a good, hard surplus.

Barack Obama’s main drawback for many female voters is that he is married to Michelle Obama, and thus, alas, unavailable. (Girls, a word of advice: Don’t try duking it out with the first lady. She’ll win.) This handsome intellectual feels comfortable serenading America, or shooting hoops on the basketball court – and he brews his own beer. Plus, as a supporter of bills like the Lilly Ledbetter act, he’d probably let you be on top – and what could be more classic than the whole “Let me give you a raise” shtick? In addition to singing and  beer-brewing, the president also cares deeply about many important issues, such as balancing the budget, creating jobs, and increasing American prestige abroad.

Yes, you read that correctly: If you don’t believe me, just check out the “issues” section of each candidate’s website. Try counting the differences. Take a swig of vodka for each difference you see. Don’t worry, you’ll still be sober enough to drive to the voting booth afterwards – and remember, whoever you vote for, you are participating in the wonderful mechanisms of the American democracy, that allows me to air silly fantasies like this one.

Thanks, First Amendment – because nothing is sexier than free speech.

Prev2 of 2Next
Use your ← → (arrow) keys to browse

Staff writer and editor at Jewrotica, Karalyn Dane is a poet and a novelist with a penchant for beer and unusual vegetables. She may or may not live out the many fantasies that she writes about on this site.
Related Items

3 Comments