My mother didn’t approve from the beginning – something to do with my Sri Lankan horoscope carried out by a highly respected priest and astrologer who had predicted that a relationship would appear that, in his words, would seem like a sweet ripe mango but inside would be rotten.
I dismissed my mother’s words as paranoid hocus pocus/mumbo jumbo and continued full steam ahead with enjoying the honeymoon period with the Hunter. However, only a few short months in, after the initial sheen wore off, it was obvious that there were fundamental differences between us – we didn’t share the same values or traditions – whilst the Mensch and I had been to some extent from different worlds, we had a deep affinity and we definitely shared the same values. But the Hunter and I operated on completely different wavelengths, and the relationship was already gyrating in an uncomfortable way.
Deep down I knew then that it was a relationship beset for failure and I actually tried to walk away after that realisation, but somehow got re-entangled. The sad truth is that from that moment I felt alone in the relationship, but having seriously invested in a way I had never done before in a relationship (living with him before marriage, introducing him to my family and friends/getting close to his family etc.), I allowed my desire to make it work overcome the voice in my head that told me that it was not right. But there is only so long that pretences can be kept up.
And so one day after months of misery, after the Hunter left for work, I packed as many of my things as I could and left. The truth is that even though I was the one who upped and left, we both knew the relationship was dead in the water and had been for a long time. And suddenly I was single again and dealing with the resultant pain from the break up – although it was a different sort of pain from the break up with the Mensch – that was heartbreaking – this was just disappointing on so many levels: I was disappointed in myself, in the Hunter and in the relationship.
After the initial debauched partying stage to numb the pain, I started searching for answers. I wanted to understand love and soulmates on a different level than I had so far understood it. I felt like I had been starved of spirituality and depth for the last 18 months that I had spent with the Hunter. I wanted to understand myself better and what it was that I needed before I pursued love again. Dating was the last thing on my mind – I felt like I was on a journey of the soul and began to meditate regularly with a group. as I asked myself more questions and searched for answers to questions I didn’t even know I had yet, but that my soul was desperate for me to address.
During my time with the Hunter I had lost my sparkle and vibrancy, and to be blunt I had lost my mojo in the relationship and for the Hunter. Now I felt I was slowly healing and getting it back. Just as I felt that sparkle return, on one fateful evening, when I was least expecting it, I met X. It was the ultimate cliché: he walked into the crowded, noisy house party I was at and our eyes literally locked across the room. Within minutes he had made enquiries to find out if I was single, and upon receiving confirmation he wasted no time in making sure we were introduced. I had never really believed in past lives until I met X but he was so familiar to me and there was such a strong attraction that when we eventually kissed, I felt like I wasn’t kissing a stranger but someone that I had been with before. It was an inexplicable connection, but suffice to say X and I were drawn to each other like bees to honey.
It turned out he knew the Mensch. Yes, X was another Jew and from a similar background to the Mensch -six degrees of separation and all that. I felt a connection with X that I had never felt with the Hunter and that helped heal the bitter aftertaste of that relationship. However, my time with X, whilst passionate, was equally rocky. I was in the throes of rebound and was the definition of a hot mess. He too had his own things going on – being of a certain age, wanting to settle down, debating reuniting with an ex – meeting me and experiencing passion of other sorts that made him question himself.
Our backgrounds and the religious differences between us were clearly an issue, but unlike with the Mensch, it wasn’t the sole issue – there was also where we were in life. I was very much on the rebound and was soul searching, I didn’t know who I really was and I wasn’t emotionally stable or in the same place X was. Even though being with him fulfilled me in some ways, my soul was yearning for the man that satiated every aspect of me. and I felt sadness and longing for the man that I didn’t yet know, but wanted to experience complete love with.
Deep down I knew it was only a matter of time before things with X ended. Then one day out of the blue, a friend forwarded me an email on a lecture about soulmates – at the Kabbalah centre. I had heard of Kabbalah – a form of Jewish mysticism that was apparently now used as self-help by various high profile celebrities, but the celebrity aspect and tabloid reports of it being a moneysucking cult had naturally put me off. But given my mind was on soulfulness and love, this lecture sounded right up my street, so I arranged to go. I told X of my plans on one of our evenings together and he was excited for me, curious and supportive. But I think we also both knew the end of the road was coming for us sooner rather than later.
The next time we met there was poignancy to our passion. It was bittersweet, and was the last time we would see each other. To this day I credit him with being the man that brought my spark back. He was more than just the mojo-reawakener as I had dismissively referred to him as. He was a good man – of the same ilk as the Mensch. But whilst we were clearly meant to come together, we didn’t belong together, and with perfect synchronicity, I suddenly found myself single, celibate and feeling soulful as I approached my first class at the Kabbalah centre. Little did I know that attending a random lecture out of curiosity would lead to a journey of mysticism and love that took me to places both physically and metaphysically beyond my wildest imagination.
Celebrating 10 Years & Marking the End of An Amazing Project
Celebrating 10 Years & Marking the End of An Amazing Project
At Jewrotica’s Evening of Bedside Readings, students declaimed monologues on sexual encounters that had a Jewish twist. At Columbia/Barnard Hillel, the speakers pushed their own boundaries by performing a range of explicit narratives that challenged how the audience thought of the relationship to Judaism and sex. During the speakers’ preparation, the arguments about which narratives would be appropriate forced students to take a stand and voice their opinion on their own beliefs about Judaism an… Read more
Learning about sex and what’s right and wrong when it comes to sex from a Biblical standpoint was an eye opening experience. I completely enjoyed it and think something like this could be a very cool thing to bring to even high school aged Jewish youth groups.
Jewrotica is something that the community has needed for a long time so that people can actually learn, express and share and have good relationships without having to stumble through life. Check out the site and learn something. Have fun!
I stepped out of my comfort zone to be a part of this. I was glad to open up the topic of sexuality in my community. We are trying to build a safe space to talk about sex. The result I am most happy about coming from this event is that hopefully now my friends know they can come and talk to me, that I can be their ‘safe space’.
Jewrotica is awesome. It expands the mind and for people who were raised with narrow views on sexuality. Whether you are Jewish or not, or in different sects of Judaism like Orthodox, Conservative or Reform, no matter what your background or where you’re from, Jewrotica gets you to see Judaism and how it relates to sexuality in new ways. I really appreciate Ayo being here and helping us learn different ways to connect with our sexuality.
I had a great time deejaying at the Jewrotica event at Columbia University. The live readings were hilarious, informative, and in some cases, deeply moving. I know that I, along with many of my AEPi fraternity brothers, loved being able to connect our Judaism and our sexuality in a way that made all of us feel comfortable and welcome. I look forward to being a part of this again in the future!
Jewrotica rocks. It’s funny, it’s informative, it’s sexy, it’s interesting. Check it out!
Jewrotica is inspiring Jews and erotica with holiness and coolness, and is the pride of progressive Judaism. Jewrotica – awesome!
Such an amazing experience! The Sarah Lawrence Jewrotica workshop was more than I could have ever expected – a comfortable, safe, sultry environment where participants clearly felt good about sharing or listening to each other’s intimate experiences and relating them to sexy stories from the Torah. From the moment the workshop began, Ayo had a sweet presence that was kinetic and spread around the room; her storytelling abilities had everyone enraptured and made the conversation topics relata… Read more
Bedside Reading with Jewrotica was funny, sexy, and hot all at once. The readings were honest about all kinds of sexuality, but the highlight of the evening was definitely the confessions, written by audience participants. Nobody knew who wrote them, and most were tell-alls that would make your bubbe blush. Unless your bubbe was very, very cool. Then maybe she’d make YOU blush!
Copyright © 2014 Jewrotica.org. All Rights Reserved.
Built with Love and Mischief.
Designed by Ayo Oppenheimer and
David Abitbol
Pingback: Links for Lou Reed's New Liver | Heeb
Pingback: Jewrotica Part 3: Wandering in the desert | Ambi
Pingback: The Final Redemption | Jewrotica
Pingback: The Mensch - Jewrotica