Fantasizing in the Gush

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Fantasizing in the Gush2

Though marital intimacy was held as an idealized standard, I was practically taught to relate to my sexuality in negatives.  My teachers explained that it was up to me to guard my integrity, to uphold the wall of shomer negiah and to not even let a boy hold my hand – a dangerous and forbidden slippery slope.

Like most girls my age, I had crushes, but they were what I would call cutesy crushes.  I would crush on the really frum guys – the short and thin ones with brown hair and brown eyes.  The guys who looked like they would make great yeshiva bochurs.  The ones that always acted like upstanding mensches – doing chesed for other people, learning and davening regularly, and not containing a trace of sexual insinuation or “impropriety”.

In my daydreams, I would try these guys on as my future chatans and would imagine them – get ready for it – dancing with me.  Dancing was something that I could relate to, and that was about as raunchy as my thoughts got all the way through high school graduation.

(Occasionally I would imagine kissing the guys.  Just a quick kiss though – nothing longer than a peck.)

These PG thoughts continued through the start of my studies in midrasha until an incredible thing happened in 2004: the film Medurat Hashevet (Camp Fire) was released, replete with fascinating PG-13 content, and my fantasy life was born.

Camp Fire describes the experience of a single mother trying to gain acceptance into a yishuv in the Gush.  The subplot tells the story of her two daughters going about their teenage lives in this new dati li’umi community.  So how did this film – ostensibly a mirror image of my own sheltered life – trigger my sexual awakening?

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  • Please give us an option to read a post as a single page.

    • I should also add that we added this “next page” option because people were complaining that some posts were too long and they couldn’t keep track of how much they had read… so, you know. Be kind. We’re working on it.

    • The option exists! Thanks for the feedback and – now that that’s taken care of – tell us your thoughts on the piece. That would be so much more fun of a comment to read. 🙂

  • Good point Warren. I’ll try to find an appropriate plugin… unless you know of one. This pagination thing is kind of a hidden default short code on WordPress.

    But otherwise, how did you like the post?

  • Ophira, thank you for being brave enough to share your story and journey. I imagine that many of our readers will find your message relevant and valuable.

  • Anonymous, for now

    For a post labeled PG-13, this was an incredibly hot read. Perhaps it’s because I’ve always been on the male side of the story. I deeply related to this line:
    Growing up, I was always a “good girl” and had no desire to be
    promiscuous. I felt little connection to the sex oozing from western
    cultural influences like MTV. Outright sexual imagery didn’t interest
    me because I couldn’t relate.

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