“I am his vessel”: Influence of male ejaculatory restrictions on women’s sexual autonomy in Orthodox Jewish marriages

The narratives above describe the experience of lack of autonomy and objectification women may feel. Rather than view sexual relations as an expression of mutual love and satisfaction, the above describes viewing sex as a chore, necessary to prevent a situation of potential wasting of seed.

In clinical experience with clients experiencing sexual problems this feeling of responsibility is a recurrent theme. Standard therapeutic recommendations that sexual activity be limited to non- penetrative activities in order to focus on pleasure and avoid pain, are often met with an anxious reaction by the clients, and often, by their rabbinic authority. The following case vignettes illustrate this:

Sorah Malka is a 21-year-old Haredi Hasidic woman married for six months. She reported that she has a great deal of difficulty with relations. She enjoys foreplay and wants to be able to experience intercourse. However, when her husband is about to penetrate, her entire body reacts defensively. She tightens her muscles, pulls her legs together and she becomes tremendously anxious, usually crying out in fear and pain. Her husband was told by his Rav, that he must make sure to penetrate his wife enough regardless of her cries, such that no semen spills outside the vagina when he ejaculates. Sorah Malka reported experiencing nausea for several days after intercourse. In therapy, Sorah Malka revealed that she experienced an incident as a teenager where an older yeshiva bachur grabbed her and tried to touch her breasts and genitals.

Treatment would have to involve the opportunity for Sorah Malka to experience her husband as someone safe. She would have to learn that she could establish boundaries on herself and her body that would be respected. It would be therapeutic for Sorah Malka to experience touch with her husband that was comfortable and pleasing to her, that would not end in pain and fear and she and her husband were instructed accordingly. He was told that before touching her in any way, he should ask her consent, and only touch her if she agrees. At later stages, when she was more ready for intercourse, he was instructed to ask her if it was OK before attempting to penetrate, and would not attempt to penetrate unless she gave her verbal agreement.

Sorah Malka’s husband, Chaim, explained that while he very much wanted to cooperate, he was unable to agree to any of the treatment suggestions before consulting with his Rav, and also requested that I speak directly to his Rav. After hearing the situation the Rav declared the following: Unless intercourse was a clear option, intimate touch should not take place between the couple, lest he become aroused and have no outlet. Therefore, the “safe touch” could take place as long as intercourse was to occur if needed by the husband, which clearly defeated the purpose of the exercise. Regarding the intercourse, the husband should ask permission as requested, however, if he feels he may ejaculate, he must regardless attempt to penetrate, lest seed be spilled in vain. The rabbi went on to explain that when a person is hungry and knows there is bread in his basket,?? ????, he can control his hunger. He needs to be reassured that his wife, (the bread), will be in his basket.

It should be noted that rabbinic consultation is an important component of sex counseling and therapy with religious couples, however, not all couples necessarily feel the need to consult a Rav. Frequently, the rabbi serves to successfully lower the couple’s anxiety by reducing concern over non-vaginal ejaculation, especially if it were to occur within the context of physical intimacy between the couple. In many cases, the rabbinic solution offered, is to have the husband ejaculate only at the entry. This solution works well in some cases; in some women with sexual pain syndromes, it is precisely this area of the vaginal entry that is the most painful. As illustrated above, the concern with non-vaginal seminal emission often appears to be tantamount to all other precepts, and the obligation to physically contain her husband’s ejaculation may affect the woman’s feeling of autonomy and control over her body.

Rabbinic involvement, and the triangular relationship formed by the couple with the Rav, may be a source of distress and may also contribute to feelings of sexual objectification. Moriah’s narrative illustrates this:

“The day after the wedding, my husband was very tense. We were not really sure whether or not we did it and didn’t know whether we should separate. So he called his Rav, who asked him several questions. He wanted to know how far it went in, and asked him questions about my vagina, if it felt dry, or wet, if I was tight, etc. And I am getting really embarrassed because his Rav knows me; he was mesader kidushin (he officiated at the ceremony). Then soon after we did it again and I bled a little. So again he called his Rav and the Rav said I had to go to a “bodeket” (15) to check me to decide if I am a niddah. I looked in the mirror and saw it was a little cut, but I still had to see this nurse/ “bodeket” to check my vagina. And then I go to the Mikvah, and have to undress in front of the Mikvah attendant, and it occurred to me, after a couple weeks of marriage, that my body is no longer my own.”

The experiences described by Moriah highlight her sense that in her transition into becoming a married woman she has lost autonomy regarding her physical sense of self. Despite not initially reporting any specific sexual problems, her feelings of overexposure and vulnerability immediately upon marriage, contributed to her lack of interest in sex which brought her and her husband to sex therapy. In the context of describing the embarrassment surrounding the detailed discussion of her anatomy between her husband and his Rav, Moriah in fact revealed feelings of vulnerability and exposure that were compounded by having to have her vagina checked by a “bodeket.”

The above vignettes, qualitative data from the OJW study, and clinical observation of hundreds of religious couples in the sex therapy setting demonstrate the need to consider the impact that the interpretation of religious laws governing male ejaculation may have on women, their feelings of autonomy, and their perceptions of objectification in marriage. This is certainly a clinical concern in couples presenting with sexual problems. Given that women are often taught by premarital instructors that “providing” sexual availability for their husbands is part of their role, and that couples frequently consult their rabbinic authority with halachic questions regarding marital intimacy, this is a salient issue for religious authorities as well. Concern about extra-vaginal ejaculation as a primary tenet of Jewish life should be re-examined, taking into consideration the attendant perception of women that they are responsible for “containing” their husbands sexually.

There is a lack of quantitative research regarding the lived experiences of young Orthodox women in early marriage, and it is unclear the extent to which feelings of sexual responsibility, objectification and loss of autonomy are a pervasive phenomenon, or to what extent they contribute to, or result from, sexual dysfunction. Clinical intervention for women experiencing sexual problems should consider these feelings within the context of the therapeutic milieu, particularly when anxiety is greatly intensified surrounding extra-vaginal ejaculation. With respect to Halacha, rabbis, pre-marital educators and other religious figures providing premarital and marital counseling should consider the influence of extra-vaginal ejaculation anxiety on women. Finally, while not addressed in this article, the influence of ejaculation restrictions and cultural messages on men’s experience should be considered as well, and further study is indeed required.

Works Cited

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[8] “A man’s wife is permitted to him. Therefore a man may do whatever he wishes with his wife. He may have intercourse with her at any time he wishes and kiss her on whatever limb of her body he wants. He may have natural or un-natural relations, as long as he does not bring forth seed in vain. (Maimonides Mishnah Torah, Issurei Biah 21:9)

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[12] “And her Onah he should not diminish” Shmot 21:10

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[15] A bodeket taharah is a woman, generally a nurse and/or midwife, specifically trained to examine women for non-uterine sources of vaginal bleeding and to report her findings to a rabbi. http://www.yoatzot.org/article.php?id=151.