Moshe and Leah

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“Dear God, I want to see and touch and suck my husband’s beautiful cock. And then….after I want to see and touch and suck his pussy.” Moshe is not looking at me. He is horrified by my blasphemy. He steps away from me. His foot is nervously tapping the hardwood floor.

I turn on the lights. Again, I step closer and reach for the zipper on his pants. Moshe blocks me.

“Leah in a few months…I am going to have breasts….look, they already started growing. He lifts up his shirt. He is so ashamed. How can I be so absolutely turned on? I do the only thing I can think of – I suck his nipple deeply into my mouth. Wow. I am rewarded with a groan. I want to ease him, ease his shame. In this gentled state, a few steps towards womanhood, he is so beautiful. He fists my hair. His nipples were never this sensitive before. I pinch the other nipple, as I suck. He is repeating my name over and over again between hiccups. He is crying. I feel how hard he is against my belly.

“This is wrong. Oh, Leah, marriage it is between a man and a woman….this thing I have. We cannot be together. The rabbi will no longer permit couples to get married until they are twenty, then the risk of getting this will have passed. I am so sorry. I am so sorry.” He continues to apologize and fist my hair as I suck his now hard and pebbled nipple.

He pushes me off him – pulling me back by my hair, after all other efforts to push me off gently fail. He is still apologizing. My scalp is on fire. He lets go of my hair and runs out of the house. I am totally hysterical. I am totally wet. I want his baby – I want him more than I ever wanted anything. I am so angry at God, I find Moshe’s tallit, I want to destroy it, instead I am wrapping myself in its warmth. Will he still want this tallit after …prayer shawls are only used by men in our community.

Still wrapped in his white tallit, I go outside.

“Where are you,” I text him.

“I am on the Washington Bridge.” I suddenly cannot breathe.

“I am sorry…I guess I should have said, I’m not planning to jump, just to look into the dark night.” Comes his second text. I can breathe again.

I walk the five blocks to the bridge, still wrapped in his tallit.

“Moshe,” he turns around. “Moshe, this will always be yours, no matter what.” I wrap the tallit around his shoulders. I am feeling totally reckless, totally crazy…I open my mouth, to tell him that I love him, instead something else comes out. I hear myself blessing this strange and freezing night on an old and luminous Bridge.

Blessed are you, our God, Ruler of the Universe, who granted us life, and sustained us and enabled us to reach this occasion.

With gloved hands, I rub his cock through his clothing. “No get, Moshe.” I whisper.

“Leah, you are not going to want me soon. I can’t be there when that happens. I can’t…”

“At the mikvah, I fantasized about you with breasts and a pussy. I imaged your red curls growing and swirling in the mikvah water. Your face is already becoming a touch softer…and I have never been more turned on. You are my bashert – in whatever body God puts you in.” I am speaking heresy and I am praying that Moshe will believe me. I am terrified that he won’t listen, that I will not get the chance be with him again. I want to get on my knees right there and suck him till he comes in my mouth. The weather is frigid. My mouth is dry and my lips are cracking from the cold.

“Moshe, come home to me.” He lets me hold his hand on the walk home. Somehow I find myself wearing the tallit on our walk back. This is the first time I’ve ever had a tallit on my shoulders, since hiding under my father’s tallit as a little girl.

As soon as we enter the front door – I do what I had never done before for my husband – never even thought of doing, as we explored each other under the covers, taking comfort in our measured world. I get on my knees, unzip his pants, and suck his cock, as his body slams against the front door. I am barely able to take more than his head. I need to work on this, but then I think that I only have two months left of cock. His cock pops out of my mouth.

I am laughing….and begging him to come inside me, to get me pregnant. Suddenly he is laughing too. And finishing my thoughts for me. “Don’t worry too much at getting good at sucking cock; soon I won’t have one…”

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Bruriah is a formerly frumwriter, attorney and mother. She came to Orthodoxy on her own as a teenager and then came out of it as an adult.