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Written by Stephen A. Nicholas. Stephen is a first-time Jewrotica writer. Painting by Alisa Poplavskaya.
How did it happen? How did I fall for my rabbi? I can tell you one thing, it was not how you might imagine. It’s easy to fall for your rabbi or cantor when working closely with him or her, or you might develop a crush during services. I’ve heard of it happening. But not me…oh, not me.
It was Purim a few years ago… 5769? 5770? Not so terribly long ago. I just moved to town not long before Hanukkah that year and was trying to find a new shul to join. I have always been of the opinion that one can learn a lot about a synagogue based on its Purim activities. It has never steered me wrong yet.
I decided to go to a Purim carnival at a Conservative synagogue and then attend a Reform congregation for their Purim spiel. The Reform shul was apparently very well-known for their zany antics, and participants came from hundreds of miles to join them. With all the positive recommendations, what could go wrong?
I arrived twenty minutes or so before the show and was amazed at how filled the social hall was. Obviously Jewish Standard Time did not apply to this crowd! Eventually I found a seat and started to people watch.
My eyes were immediately drawn to a lovely woman with short dark curly hair, with the cutest face I’ve ever seen. I prefer men as a general rule, but have in the past expressed attraction to women – although it’s rare. She wore a long tight red dress which left little to the imagination. Unlike many men, I am not attracted to overly slim models of today, instead preferring to look upon women who more closely resemble the models of yesteryear. This bombshell stood a few rows in front of me chatting with some of the congregants. As she turned to yet another person demanding her attention, I saw a long slit up the side of her dress, giving me ample opportunity to stare at her very well-shaped legs and toned ass.
“Must have been a dancer,” I said half mumbling to myself.
She turned again and her bright blue eyes met mine. Did she hear me? Unlikely, but possible. I turned away, smiled, and blushed. As she disappeared into the crowd, I could not help but think about her. Who was she? What did she do for a living? Most importantly, was she single? I fantasized about asking her out for coffee and getting to know her and falling in love with her. I dreamed about what our wedding would be like and of course what our wedding night would be like. I could easily see myself shtupping her every Friday night and producing as many children as Hashem would care to grant us. More than anything, I would give her whatever her heart desired. My erection roused uncomfortably in my pants as I adjusted myself.
I continued to think about her throughout the Purim play and reading, only the noise from the groggers as we blotted out Haman disrupted my fantasy.
It wasn’t until after the play was over that I saw her again. More congregants followed her and some took photos with her as if she were a minor celebrity.
I approached her to introduce myself.
“Hi,” I said as our eyes met again. I quickly looked away again and smiled.
“You’re new here, aren’t you?” a deeper-than-expected voice responded.
“Yes, I only just arrived in town a few months ago and was trying to find a new shul to…” I was cut off by another congregant running up.
“Rabbi! Is that really you? I almost didn’t recognize you!” the congregant squealed. “You look better in a dress than I do!”
Rabbi?, I thought. This attractive young woman whom I spent the past hour dreaming about was the rabbi?
The congregant turned to me and continued, “It’s not fair when men look better in dresses than women, don’t you agree? He does this every Purim and looks better and better every year!”
Wait? Not only was this attractive young thing the rabbi, but SHE was really a HE? Are you kidding me? That did not change my feelings at all and in fact made me very curious. If he looked this good dressed as a woman, I could not imagine what he would look like in a suit and tie! I guess I would have to wait for Shabbat to find out!