Written by Noa. Noa is an experienced Jewrotica writer.
This is a continuation of “Countdown (Part 1 of 2)“. Countdown is the prequel of “Shinui / Change“. “Shinui / Change” can be read as a prequel to “In Total Darkness“.
I sit down on a swing. It’s the sturdy kind, with large plastic-reinforced metal chains holding up a thick rubber seat. I expect him to take the empty swing next to me, but instead he walks around and stands behind me.
“Shall I?” he asks, reaching his hands out.
He can’t possibly mean to push me.
He winks. “Don’t you trust me?” he says.
I do, absolutely and without hesitation, so I nod.
He closes his hands around the chains and begins to push me on the swing. When I come backwards at him, he catches the chains with his thumbs – gently so that I don’t get snapped backward – and then lets me go.
And so it goes, back and forth.
Technically, we’re not breaking any halachot. Not yichud: the park is public property, we’re out in the open, and the occasional car does pass by. Not negiah: he’s not touching me.
Technically.
He’s so close, though, that I imagine I can in fact feel his fingers not touching me.
He’s so careful. I wonder if his fingers will be so careful, so focused, when they’re on me. When they’re on my naked skin.
This is so not the spirit of the law.
I feel aware all over. All of the places that I can’t wait for him to touch me are tingling, and every time I land his hands are this close to my hips, and I’m going to combust if this keeps up.
What I need to do is get out of here, run as fast as I can to my bedroom, lock the door and rub furiously until I can breathe again. But… that would be rude.
“I’m going to jump,” I warn him.
“Okay.” He pushes again.
“One,” I count, and swing back towards him. His fingers half an inch away from me.
“Two,” I say as I go forward, and let myself fall back to him one more time. I almost hope that he’ll stop me, that he’ll catch the swing and puts his arms around me, but of course I don’t really want him to do that, and he doesn’t.
“Three!” I fling myself from the swing and fly through the air. As a kid, I was always too chicken to jump off swings. I would go as high as anyone else, but I wouldn’t let go, ever. Tonight, I’m fearless.
I land on my hands and knees, laughing. Then I turn to see him, and the look on his face as he watches me…I’m soaring again.
Maybe I should jump the gun. Just a little bit. I go to the mikvah five nights from now. Afterwards, I can put on that little purple thing given to me by our mothers – how mortifying, the idea that our mothers conspired and picked something out and said, Yes, perfect, this is what my daughter should wear in bed with your son – and a trenchcoat, and go to his place.
I’ll knock on the door, and when he answers I’ll say, Go get your roommates so they can see us going into your bedroom, we’ll do this the old-fashioned way, after all “ha’isha nikneit b’shalosh drachim” and if it’s good enough for the mishna it’s good enough for us (this is not true as a general rule but I’ll count it for this), and we’ll swear your roommates to secrecy even though that defeats the purpose of being witnesses in the first place.
The only problem is dam betulim and how then we wouldn’t be able to touch at the actual wedding, and it would completely ruin the pictures.
I won’t do it. But now I can’t get the image out of my head, him and me and that purple thing, him taking the purple thing off of me with his careful fingers –
I turn over and lie back on the dewy grass and try not to squirm; I close my eyes, breathe deeply, and try to relax my body. This must be the real reason why the bride and groom don’t see each other the week before the wedding.
And why did I let him talk me into this again?
“Shev.” My eyes fly open, and there he is. While I was trying to neutralize my hormones, he came over to the grass and sat down by me. But the way he says my name, I immediately realize that he didn’t just come over and invite me for a walk at three in the morning just to push me on a swing.
I roll to my side and lean on my left arm. “You okay?”
“My father called me today. He’s flying in tomorrow.”
Well, that’s… complicated. “I thought he wasn’t supposed to get here until the day before.”
“Surprise!” he says in a bitter tone. “He wants to take me out to dinner tomorrow.”
“Are you going to go?”
“Of course I’m going to go; he’s my father.” He pulls out a clump of grass. My hand itches to pull his away, to relax him.
Of course he’s going to go; it’s his father. And he’s going to be respectful but distant, and afterwards he’s going to thank him for the meal, and then he’s going to go home and stew.
Celebrating 10 Years & Marking the End of An Amazing Project
Celebrating 10 Years & Marking the End of An Amazing Project
Such an amazing experience! The Sarah Lawrence Jewrotica workshop was more than I could have ever expected – a comfortable, safe, sultry environment where participants clearly felt good about sharing or listening to each other’s intimate experiences and relating them to sexy stories from the Torah. From the moment the workshop began, Ayo had a sweet presence that was kinetic and spread around the room; her storytelling abilities had everyone enraptured and made the conversation topics relata… Read more
Jewrotica is awesome. It expands the mind and for people who were raised with narrow views on sexuality. Whether you are Jewish or not, or in different sects of Judaism like Orthodox, Conservative or Reform, no matter what your background or where you’re from, Jewrotica gets you to see Judaism and how it relates to sexuality in new ways. I really appreciate Ayo being here and helping us learn different ways to connect with our sexuality.
I’m into Jewrotica. I went in for my second circumcision.
You may not tell your mom that you’re going to a live Jewrotica reading (or whatever clever name you will dub these events) but you will tell your friends. However, both would be jealous if they find out that they missed it. I think it will only be a matter of time before Jewrotica helps us reclaim the term “Dirty Jew” the way rap music has done for “The ‘N’ Word.” I know I am now proud to be a Dirty Jew!
I had a great time deejaying at the Jewrotica event at Columbia University. The live readings were hilarious, informative, and in some cases, deeply moving. I know that I, along with many of my AEPi fraternity brothers, loved being able to connect our Judaism and our sexuality in a way that made all of us feel comfortable and welcome. I look forward to being a part of this again in the future!
Jewrotica is inspiring Jews and erotica with holiness and coolness, and is the pride of progressive Judaism. Jewrotica – awesome!
Learning about sex and what’s right and wrong when it comes to sex from a Biblical standpoint was an eye opening experience. I completely enjoyed it and think something like this could be a very cool thing to bring to even high school aged Jewish youth groups.
I stepped out of my comfort zone to be a part of this. I was glad to open up the topic of sexuality in my community. We are trying to build a safe space to talk about sex. The result I am most happy about coming from this event is that hopefully now my friends know they can come and talk to me, that I can be their ‘safe space’.
What an incredible night Jewrotica was!!!! There was this fantastic moment, in a sea of Jews of all sexualities, ages, backgrounds and denominations, that I realized we were all in this together! I hope that there are many more events coming to Austin soon!
I love the inclusiveness – there is something for everyone, in and out of the Jewish community.
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