Bye Bye Uteri

A194 confession

Rated PG-13Two forty-something year old women screaming “Goodbye Uteri!” are pinching my ass as I pedal them in my pedicab down West 6th street in Austin, Texas. The grey-streaked brunette in the bright pink halter top is getting a hysterectomy tomorrow, and she is celebrating fiercely as if to say “you can take my uterus, but you’ll never take my freedom!” *insert Braveheart roar*

Three years ago, I sat in an auditorium attentively listening to the alcohol-ruddy-faced dean of my law school congratulate my graduating class while touting the virtues of a career dedicated to upholding the law. I was relieved that the three years of tortuous readings, firing squad questioning by professors, and clandestine classmate chicanery were over. As I basked in the respect and approval radiating from the audience, I allowed myself to ignore the impending bar exam and to dream of a six-figure salary, of senior partners crowing over my unremitting brilliance untangling knotty legal questions, and of protecting my blame-free clients from the morally corrupt. I thought, “Finally, my hard work and resolve will pay off.”

Now, as I stand up at this intersection, my ass is probably making me an extra ten bucks.

To save my Jewish mother from the opprobrium of having to tell friends this Pesach that her son is a prostitute, I undertake to prove that I’m not. You’re welcome, mom. (1)

pros·ti·tute (prŏsʹ tĭ-toot ʹ, -tyoot ʹ): 1. One who solicits and takes payment for sexual intercourse; 2. One who sells his or her abilities or name to an undeserving cause. “Prostitute.” Def. Merriam-Webster’s II New Collegiate Dictionary. 1995.

Clearly, the first definition does not apply to me. “Sexual intercourse,” is the act of “coitus,” which is the physical union of male and female sexual organs, leading to orgasm and ejaculation of semen. “Sexual Intercourse.” Id.; “Coitus.” Id. Neither my ass nor these ladies’ (er…women’s) pincher fingers are sexual organs (Sexual Organ: An organ of the reproductive system. “Sexual organ.” Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, 2013. Web. 20 March 2013) and, furthermore, neither party is having an orgasm (as far as I know).

As for the second definition, is my ass an ability…? You’re damn right it is! I should argue, of course, that “ability” connotes an action (Ability: A natural or acquired skill or talent. “Ability.” Def. Merriam Webster’s II New Collegiate Dictionary. 1995), and clearly my fantastic ass is not doing anything except being the heavenly ass that it is. However, I trust that you would argue back that my glorious ass is in fact acting on these women because these women are affected by my majestic ass, and without action, there can be no effect. This is analogous to the ability of Monet’s famous water lilies paintings to affect viewers. Although the paintings are passive, they are, in fact, acting on the viewer. Did I just compare my ass to a Monet painting? Yes, yes I did.

However, the crux of this argument is not about my magnetic ass but rather is about what is an “undeserving cause.” “Undeserving” is the opposite of “deserving.” “Deserving” is defined as follows: worthy of reward, merit, or aid. “Deserving.” Id. So the question really becomes this: Is providing happiness to these women an undeserving cause? According to the definition, the method of serving the cause does not matter as long as the cause is deserving. Happiness in others is a deserving cause (an axiom of most religions and philosophies). Therefore, providing happiness to these women is not an undeserving cause, and I’m not a prostitute under the second definition either.

Now that I’ve proved I’m not a prostitute, I hope you’ll allow the following exhortation to sink in. Don’t go to law school. I’m just one in a long line of escapees. Ghandi, Ben Stein, and Gerard Butler were all disabused of their auditorium dreams and ended up having to mollify their mothers. Learn from our mistakes. And while you’re taking my advice, go do something that makes you truly happy.

Anyway, I should get back to work – call me if you need a ride.

1 – Mom, I am using my legal education!


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  • Ayo

    This is hilarious. Love.