Written by Ambi Sitham. Ambi, a first-time Jewrotica writer, was born and raised in London to immigrant parents from Sri Lanka. She is a lawyer cum expert commentator, author and host and currently lives in Los Angeles.
The Final Redemption is the fourth of four essays that Ambi is writing for Jewrotica and is a continuation of Wandering in the Desert. Read Ambi’s first essay here. Ambi’s series of essays chronicle her love affair with all things Jewish from innocent beginnings as a twelve-year-old schoolgirl to a long-term relationship with a Jewish man that she considers one of the great loves of her life to flirting with the idea of conversion. The break-up of that relationship was followed by a continued strong mutual attraction to Jewish men throughout her life, which after one passionate fling led her to a spiritual path that resulted in the unlikeliest of realizations about her true passion for all things Jewish. This passion, in truth, is esoteric rather than erotic.
October 2008
The first lecture I attended at the Kabbalah centre was led by a woman named Sarah Yardeni – the wife of a respected Kabbalah instructor Eitan Yardeni who was known in the media as ‘Madonna’s kabbalah guru’. It was a mishmash of a self-help event, but my attention was stirred when she spoke of the Kabbalistic concept of soul-mates – of one soul that upon creation split into two halves – male and female — that then lived many lifetimes, reincarnating, learning their soul lessons and eventually, if they were lucky, reuniting on the physical plane – more often than not on their last life on earth before they returned to the ‘upper worlds’.
For some reason this concept really touched something within me and whilst much of the rest of the lecture was very practical rather than mystical, many of the concepts she spoke of with regards to relationships resonated with me on a far deeper level than any of the relationship self-help books that I had read. I quietly decided to sign up to the one Kabbalah course that they recommended, thinking that at the least it would make for one of those quirky life experiences/good fodder for dinner party tales – and who knew, perhaps I would get something out of it.
Somewhat like the soul-mate lecture, the Kabbalah 1 and 2 courses were very self-help focused. Even though references were made to Kabbalistic principles dating back thousands of years, they were largely watered down. I found the courses interesting and engaging and, practically speaking, what I learnt was a useful addition to my life. But it was the final course, Kabbalah 3, where things got interesting – and challenging. The content we studied was now less practical and much more mystical. We learnt of energy days such as Shabbat and traditional Jewish holidays, past lives and ‘tools’ – scanning the Zohar – Aramaic words that most of us couldn’t understand – but were apparently energy portals to tap into the never ending light force of the Creator. Whilst I had always believed in G-d and other energies existing in the Universe, I nonetheless had a lawyer’s logical – and yes, somewhat skeptical – mind and found some of what we learnt hard to truly believe.
Then one evening in a class about reincarnation, everything came to a head. Eitan was away in New York and his wife Sarah came to teach the class and lead us through a past life meditation. Sarah lectured on how basically people who suffered in this life not only suffered as a result of their prior misdeeds and choices in this life, but also in past lives. This caused lively debate and questions from the students about seemingly innocents such as children being abused and killed and how this could happen or be justified. I didn’t enjoy the energy of the class, and as we started to do the past life meditation, I felt a sense of dread overcome me and suddenly freaked out and had to leave.
I scampered off home feeling awful thinking that all the stories about how dabbling with Kabbalah was dangerous and how they were a weird mystical cult were probably true. As it was I had been finding it hard to stomach a lot of the ‘mystical’ stuff we were now being introduced to, and I also felt we were being slowly but surely initiated further into the centre and going to Shabbats etc, which to me was akin to practicing Judaism. My view was that if I wanted to practice Judaism, I would have converted, married the Mensch and done it properly.
I took some time out from my studies, and it took a few sanity checks and talking things through with a couple of different teachers and experienced students from the centre who weren’t overly zealous for me to return to complete the course. By the time we ‘graduated’ from Kabbalah 3 I had actually started using the more mystical ‘tools’ – scanning the Zohar, attending the odd Shabbat and I had truly felt a positive impact upon my life. Life was still challenging and dating was still not really on my radar but things were definitely shifting for me for the better. Friends and family had noticed too. They had all been incredibly sceptical when I joined Kabbalah and had said they hoped this didn’t mean they would lose me to a cult. But six months into my studies when they noticed positive changes in me and my life six months they were truly happy for me and viewed Kabbalah as a positive addition to my life.
Celebrating 10 Years & Marking the End of An Amazing Project
Celebrating 10 Years & Marking the End of An Amazing Project
The people behind Jewrotica are quite quality! I have confidence that any project these folks take on will be equally quality.
What an incredible night Jewrotica was!!!! There was this fantastic moment, in a sea of Jews of all sexualities, ages, backgrounds and denominations, that I realized we were all in this together! I hope that there are many more events coming to Austin soon!
While many people fear the “sex talk,” Jewrotica offers an opportunity for writers and audiences to speak about sexuality in a open and safe space. When I attended a Jewrotica reading, I heard stories that reminded me that love takes many forms, and that expressing it is a vital part of who we are as a people.
You may not tell your mom that you’re going to a live Jewrotica reading (or whatever clever name you will dub these events) but you will tell your friends. However, both would be jealous if they find out that they missed it. I think it will only be a matter of time before Jewrotica helps us reclaim the term “Dirty Jew” the way rap music has done for “The ‘N’ Word.” I know I am now proud to be a Dirty Jew!
Jewrotica is something that the community has needed for a long time so that people can actually learn, express and share and have good relationships without having to stumble through life. Check out the site and learn something. Have fun!
Jewrotica was everything I had dreamed of and more: sexy attendees, tantalizing confessions, and well-written literature to boot! More importantly, it empowers us Jews to reach inside and own our sexy selves and heritage!
Such an amazing experience! The Sarah Lawrence Jewrotica workshop was more than I could have ever expected – a comfortable, safe, sultry environment where participants clearly felt good about sharing or listening to each other’s intimate experiences and relating them to sexy stories from the Torah. From the moment the workshop began, Ayo had a sweet presence that was kinetic and spread around the room; her storytelling abilities had everyone enraptured and made the conversation topics relata… Read more
I stepped out of my comfort zone to be a part of this. I was glad to open up the topic of sexuality in my community. We are trying to build a safe space to talk about sex. The result I am most happy about coming from this event is that hopefully now my friends know they can come and talk to me, that I can be their ‘safe space’.
Jewrotica is awesome. It expands the mind and for people who were raised with narrow views on sexuality. Whether you are Jewish or not, or in different sects of Judaism like Orthodox, Conservative or Reform, no matter what your background or where you’re from, Jewrotica gets you to see Judaism and how it relates to sexuality in new ways. I really appreciate Ayo being here and helping us learn different ways to connect with our sexuality.
Jewrotica is a great way to ask interesting questions about the interplay between sensuality and Jewish wisdom. Check it out.
Copyright © 2014 Jewrotica.org. All Rights Reserved.
Built with Love and Mischief.
Designed by Ayo Oppenheimer and
David Abitbol
2 Comments