Written by Karen Taylor, a first-time Jewrotica writer. This piece is dedicated to Larry Kramer.
[Editor’s note: Today is Yom HaShoah and today’s piece on Jewrotica deals with the concept of loss – albeit a very different kind of loss. For a piece that more directly relates to Yom HaShoah, check out Surviving. Also, note that “The Book of Jonah” contains references to the Biblical character Jonah, a prophet who was swallowed by a large fish according to legend.]Thirty years. Thirty years since that first ugly story appeared in the New York Times: “Rare Cancer Seen in 41 Homosexuals.”
The years that followed were, well… I watched friends, colleagues, acquaintances, neighbors transform into skeletal, frightened men smelling of vomit and despair. Nurses dressed for radiation attacks who refused to clean up after patients whose disease may – or may not – be infectious.
And the equally agonizing family conversations in stark white hospital rooms. “Mom, Dad, I am gay. And I have AIDS.” Decades later, grandparents and great-grandparents still considered being gay a death sentence. Politicians, safely kept in place by those frightened, angry parents, preached hate, threatened punishment, and played God, deciding who was innocent and who was guilty, who should live and who should die.
Jonah was one of the few who refused to succumb to helplessness. “Choose Life,” had been drummed into him from an early age. Relentless, he organized friends and allies into marches and demonstrations, shouting “Justice, justice!” Even as his friends fell around him, dying in his arms, he fought back tears as he cleaned their bruised, wasted bodies, promised them that he would continue the fight, repeating the kaddish over and over.
The rabbis say that we recite the mourners’ kaddish to magnify the name of Hashem, so as to fill the gap in our souls when we lose a loved one. Thirty years later, Jonah couldn’t say it enough to fill the gaps in his soul. The thousands of ghosts that hovered on his walk to and from his apartment have faded, leaving only a bleak void. Sometimes he could fill that void with hot anger, anger that pushed him out into the streets, fueling his speeches, until he staggered home, wrung dry from the surge of emotion, to a dark and empty apartment, where whispers of memories haunted the corners.
Sometimes he considered himself lucky. How could he not? He is alive, when so many are not. But luck had left him growing old and alone, in a community that values youth. They spoke about him and his generation in the past tense. They still get infected. He watched the children who grew up not knowing a time when sex and illness were not tied together. And he grieved for them, too.
When he got a call from one of the small upstate colleges to give a speech on World AIDS Day, something finally cracked inside Jonah. Thirty years. Thirty years of fear, and pain, and righteous anger. Thirty years of losing the people he loves, the people he didn’t have time to get to know, the people he would never know. He’s spoken in front of bored-looking medical students, received commendations from two-faced politicians, and exhorted young queers to take charge of their sex lives.
He considered his options. Thirty, even twenty years ago, he would have gone. Ten years ago, he would have dashed off an email dripping with acidic comments, which would have been published in the local gay magazine, with editors either rationalizing his venom as the words of an elder statesman, or claiming he was a crazy maverick without contemporary relevance.
As if AIDS is now past tense.
“Fuck it,” he muttered. “I’m going to Tarshish. “
Celebrating 10 Years & Marking the End of An Amazing Project
Celebrating 10 Years & Marking the End of An Amazing Project
The Jewrotica event “Evening of Jewrotica: Bedside Reading” was awesome. As Master of Confessions, I got to read the deepest, darkest secrets of people in the room out loud… It was scintillating, titillating, and – yes – even educational!
Jewrotica is awesome. It expands the mind and for people who were raised with narrow views on sexuality. Whether you are Jewish or not, or in different sects of Judaism like Orthodox, Conservative or Reform, no matter what your background or where you’re from, Jewrotica gets you to see Judaism and how it relates to sexuality in new ways. I really appreciate Ayo being here and helping us learn different ways to connect with our sexuality.
Learning about sex and what’s right and wrong when it comes to sex from a Biblical standpoint was an eye opening experience. I completely enjoyed it and think something like this could be a very cool thing to bring to even high school aged Jewish youth groups.
Jewrotica is a great way to ask interesting questions about the interplay between sensuality and Jewish wisdom. Check it out.
I’m so glad that Jewrotica is represented here at Jewlicious! It’s bringing voices that need to be heard in the Jewish discussion and Jewish climate environment.
Jewrotica is something that the community has needed for a long time so that people can actually learn, express and share and have good relationships without having to stumble through life. Check out the site and learn something. Have fun!
While many people fear the “sex talk,” Jewrotica offers an opportunity for writers and audiences to speak about sexuality in a open and safe space. When I attended a Jewrotica reading, I heard stories that reminded me that love takes many forms, and that expressing it is a vital part of who we are as a people.
Jewrotica rocks. It’s funny, it’s informative, it’s sexy, it’s interesting. Check it out!
I had a great time deejaying at the Jewrotica event at Columbia University. The live readings were hilarious, informative, and in some cases, deeply moving. I know that I, along with many of my AEPi fraternity brothers, loved being able to connect our Judaism and our sexuality in a way that made all of us feel comfortable and welcome. I look forward to being a part of this again in the future!
You may not tell your mom that you’re going to a live Jewrotica reading (or whatever clever name you will dub these events) but you will tell your friends. However, both would be jealous if they find out that they missed it. I think it will only be a matter of time before Jewrotica helps us reclaim the term “Dirty Jew” the way rap music has done for “The ‘N’ Word.” I know I am now proud to be a Dirty Jew!
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