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A Biblical Prop 8

By on April 3, 2013
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A130 prop

Below is the fruit of my exegesis, which I have sent to the Supreme Court:

Dear Chief Justice Roberts,

If it pleases the court, I submit this judicial briefing to the highest court of appeal in the land of freedom and democracy with an appeal from the Kingdom of the Most High.

In consulting the Word of Our Fathers, we may conclude the following regarding same sex unions:

Moses would have married a man had Jethro had seven sons rather than seven daughters.

Jesus preached tolerance. But, as an effeminate carpenter, he probably got bullied in Sunday school by Roman gladiators. I suspect he would have married a man if the Son of God had been allowed to get married.

The 10th Commandment states: “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbors.”

Note that the 10th Commandment says nothing about coveting thy (male) neighbor’s body, only his property. It thus follows that Hashem instituted a gay marriage loophole into the Covenant at Sinai.

And The Sages of the Talmud have also weighed in on this topic:

Rabbi Tarfon says: “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s ass was inscribed at Sinai. Is this not a divine injunction against homosexuality?”

Rabbi Azriel ben Gargamel says: “But can’t a man love another man and derive carnal pleasure from his body in ways that do not involve his tuchus?”

Rabbi Akivah says: “Shmendriks! You are using a goyishe translation of the Tanach. An ass is a donkey, not a tuchus. Buy a damn dictionary.”

Rabbi Hillel ben Pipik HaZaken says: “Well that settles it then, landsmen. Let’s put on our hot pink phylacteries and go to the YMCA for a shvitz.”

Your Honor,

It is my considered opinion that there is nothing in the Torah, nor the Gospels, nor the Talmud, nor the epic (and admittedly bombastic) films of Cecil B. deMille that proscribe marriage between man and man.

Now this of course raises a question: what about marriage between woman and woman? It seems the Word of our Fathers offers no guidance on the matter. This could be the product of the well-documented misogyny of Judaism, Christianity, and Hollywood. Or it may be that the prophets, Apostles, and the shvitzy sages of B’nei Barak were more interested in fornicating with each other.

So Let It Be Written, So Let it Be Done.

Sincerely,
Dr. Jarrod Tanny

P.S. My pending patent on hot pink phylacteries has not biased my conclusion.

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Jarrod Tanny was born and raised in Montreal, and is currently Assistant Professor of History at the University of North Carolina Wilmington. His book City Of Rogues And Schnorrers examines how the city of Odessa was mythologized as a Jewish city of sin, celebrated and vilified for its Jewish gangsters, prostitutes, bawdy musicians, and comedians.
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