As to the correlation between Orthodoxy and sexual repression, well… all I can say is that your mileage may vary – if you find the right person, you can easily combine a healthy and satisfying sex life with observance. The “repression” you observed is probably more a function of prevailing cultural and societal norms than it is a reflection of authentic Judaism.
Judaism dictates that sexual pleasure is a woman’s right and a man’s obligation (see Talmud, Ketubot 61b and Eruvin 100b). Furthermore, the Mishneh Torah, in Laws Concerning Forbidden Relations 21:9 states “Since a man’s wife is permitted to him, he may act with her in any manner whatsoever. He may have intercourse with her whenever he so desires and kiss any organ of her body he wishes, and he may have intercourse with her naturally or unnaturally, provided that he does not expend semen to no purpose. Nevertheless, it is an attribute of piety that a man should not act in this matter with levity and that he should sanctify himself at the time of intercourse.”
Regarding the technicalities, Shmuley Boteach’s book “Kosher Sex” is chock-full of information. Rabbi Boteach believes that a healthy sexual relationship can indeed include oral sex if the purpose is not to frustrate the impregnation process. In other words, if the purpose is to make sex pleasurable, then it’s okay. It seems to me that you possess a healthy concern for your mate’s pleasure, so that’s a good thing. Now of course Boteach’s position is a controversial one and not all Rabbis agree with it. You can and should certainly discuss the details with your favorite Rabbi but ultimately, what goes on behind closed doors is between you, your mate and God.
I’ve been surprised and sometimes downright shocked by how lenient many Rabbis can be when it comes to “permitting” all different types of sexual positions and ejaculations – including oral sex, anal sex, vibrators of all kinds, deviant sexual behavior and even masturbation – depending on the circumstances. Not that I necessarily recommend Rabbi “shopping”, but it is common and accepted to ask different questions to different Rabbis depending on their areas of expertise. The most critical thing to remember about sex is communication – before, during, and after sex. Chances are, if it’s something that both you and your partner are into, there is most likely a way to make it permissible if you are open and honest with each other and with a Rabbi that you trust.
As someone who has journeyed from an irreligious background to an observant one, the dating thing was insanely burdensome. Particularly due to what you have described. However, what I did learn during my journey is that there are hundreds of different opinions regarding halacha and what you do may be fine according to one rabbi and assur according to the next. For example, sex positions: a frequently circulating opinion within religious circles is that the best sex position is missionary with lights off. Well… it never states so in the Torah. In addition, there is a separate teaching that stresses the importance of physical relationship between husband and wife to the point that anything is permissible as long as it makes the couple happy. Therefore, 69, doggy style, reverse cowgirl and anything else you can think of is fine. The only thing it does say in the Torah is that G-d killed Onan and his brother because they spilled their seed – meaning they refused to ejaculate inside of a woman. One teaching is that this means that the man must always cum inside the woman’s vagina. My retort, however, is that it doesn’t really say where inside the woman a man should ejaculate…
And by the way… don’t stress over G-spot. There are so many nerve endings in that region that as long as you pay attention to all, you’ll leave your partner extremely content and yearning for more.
Ditto everything everyone else said. But especially the point that David and Larisa made about the many halachic permits given in order for couples to feel good together and get sexual satisfaction together. It sounds like you might not have actually talked to a rabbi about this, and I’d encourage you to find one who you connect with, and have the conversation. I suspect you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Celebrating 10 Years & Marking the End of An Amazing Project
Celebrating 10 Years & Marking the End of An Amazing Project
I’m so glad that Jewrotica is represented here at Jewlicious! It’s bringing voices that need to be heard in the Jewish discussion and Jewish climate environment.
I had a great time deejaying at the Jewrotica event at Columbia University. The live readings were hilarious, informative, and in some cases, deeply moving. I know that I, along with many of my AEPi fraternity brothers, loved being able to connect our Judaism and our sexuality in a way that made all of us feel comfortable and welcome. I look forward to being a part of this again in the future!
My opinion on Jewrotica is: It’s sexy. It’s awesome. It’s Judaism to the next level. It’s what we should all be getting into!
Jewrotica is a great way to ask interesting questions about the interplay between sensuality and Jewish wisdom. Check it out.
You may not tell your mom that you’re going to a live Jewrotica reading (or whatever clever name you will dub these events) but you will tell your friends. However, both would be jealous if they find out that they missed it. I think it will only be a matter of time before Jewrotica helps us reclaim the term “Dirty Jew” the way rap music has done for “The ‘N’ Word.” I know I am now proud to be a Dirty Jew!
While many people fear the “sex talk,” Jewrotica offers an opportunity for writers and audiences to speak about sexuality in a open and safe space. When I attended a Jewrotica reading, I heard stories that reminded me that love takes many forms, and that expressing it is a vital part of who we are as a people.
Bedside Reading with Jewrotica was funny, sexy, and hot all at once. The readings were honest about all kinds of sexuality, but the highlight of the evening was definitely the confessions, written by audience participants. Nobody knew who wrote them, and most were tell-alls that would make your bubbe blush. Unless your bubbe was very, very cool. Then maybe she’d make YOU blush!
Jewrotica is awesome. It expands the mind and for people who were raised with narrow views on sexuality. Whether you are Jewish or not, or in different sects of Judaism like Orthodox, Conservative or Reform, no matter what your background or where you’re from, Jewrotica gets you to see Judaism and how it relates to sexuality in new ways. I really appreciate Ayo being here and helping us learn different ways to connect with our sexuality.
The people behind Jewrotica are quite quality! I have confidence that any project these folks take on will be equally quality.
Jewrotica is something that the community has needed for a long time so that people can actually learn, express and share and have good relationships without having to stumble through life. Check out the site and learn something. Have fun!
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