Dear Jewrotica #1 – Penance

Sarah Tuttle-Singer

Oh Sweet Girl, I get it. Really. And not in a bullshit “I feel your pain” kind of way, but in a visceral, gutwrenching flash of recognition. I’ve been there, really and truly. And I know how much it sucks to realize that while you have moved past it, you haven’t moved past it enough not to want to twist a knife into some part of his life.

But, now what? Empathy is great but that isn’t real advice.

I can’t give real advice because this is so deeply personal and the ramifications are huge. Instead, I will ask you a few very very tough questions which will hopefully help clarify things in your own mind.

Ready?

1. Are you prepared to re-live this very difficult time publicly? Because if you come forward, your past will be dragged into the present. Your entire sexual history will be put under a microscope.  It isn’t right. It isn’t fair. It’s a horrible manipulation. But it is what it is. And if this guy has a charmed life then he will the resources to fight back very hard.

2.  If you answered yes to the above question and you ARE prepared to fight,  do you have the emotional support from your family and friends to move forward with this? It’s going to get ugly. And there will be people who will you call you a liar and worse.  And having family and friends who have your back and are prepared to fight with you will be crucial.

3.  What is your ideal outcome?  Picture what you really want from this. Do you want him to be prosecuted? (Find out if there is a statute of limitations on this kind of thing before you proceed with legal action.) Do you want validation that this was not your fault and that you did nothing wrong and you did not deserve this?

(If that’s the case, then I can tell you unequivocally that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. YOU DID NOT DESERVE THIS. And even if you consented to a sexual encounter before or after, it does not take away from the fact that you were coerced into doing something that you did not want to do. Period. The end.)

For the record, I, too, am trying to decide how to address something ugly and scary and nightmarish that happened to me — I, too, am trying to balance protecting my present with a visceral yearning for retribution. And I admire your courage for coming here and for wrestling publicly with such a painful dilemma.

David Abitbol

Dear Rook,

I’d like to preface my response by stating that I am very sorry that this has happened to you. No one deserves to undergo such an ordeal. Society continues to wrestle with these issues and victims continue to suffer as a result of mixed messages, persistent ignorance and sexism that manifest themselves whenever sexual assault and date rape are concerned.

You have a number of options. As a result of my legal background, I’ll start with the law. Depending on your jurisdiction and how long ago this happened, you can press criminal charges for sexual assault or even sue him for whatever damages you may have suffered as a result of his attack. Taking the legal route is fraught with difficulties – I’m not going to sugar coat it. Despite all the advances we’ve made as a society, sex crimes like date rape are still horrifically difficult to prosecute and take quite a toll on the victim. Criminal prosecutions are difficult to prosecute and if he is not convicted, he will be considered exonerated. Civil actions have a lower barrier of proof, and even if you lose, you will have cast a shadow on his reputation, but you do open yourself up to a counter-suit and the entire process is very costly and time consuming.

Another approach might be to sue the synagogue because the attack happened on their premises. Most synagogues have liability insurance and chances are, they’d probably want to quickly settle with you in order to keep it quiet and out of court. But the Rabbi and the synagogue leadership would know and then these sorts of things have a way of getting out.

Please talk to a lawyer if these might be options you’d like to pursue.

Extralegal avenues of redress also exist. You can get someone burly to beat the crap out of him. You can hang posters of him around town with the word “Rapist” scrawled across it. However, be warned that the law takes a dim view of such things – and if he wanted to, he could very well make your life extremely difficult. If he can prove it was you.

I repeat. If he can prove it was you.

Whatever you decide to do, I am pleased that you are seeing a therapist. I am pleased that you are in a loving and supportive relationship. Your concern for the welfare of others who may have been or who still might be victimized by your attacker is a great demonstration of empathy. I’m pretty confident that you have all the tools and choices at your disposal to deal with the repercussions – the self loathing and the doubt. I want to assure you that you are not at fault here. The fact that you returned to him does not absolve him at all. Just remember that – you were the victim here and I hope you find justice.