Behind Closed Doors With the Men and Women of the Bible, Part II

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Written by Tamar Fox.  This post is a continuation of “Behind Closed Doors With the Men and Women of the Bible, Part I“.  [Editor’s Note: This piece is not graphic, however it is irreverent – hence earning an “R” rating.  If you tend to be sensitive to or disapproving of sacrilegious comments, please do yourself a favor and click over to another piece.] 

Rated RWelcome back to “Behind Closed Doors with the Men and Women of the Bible.” Last time, we explored the naughty personalities of some of our favorite male figures from Judaism’s holiest text. This time, we’ll take you up close and personal to some of Tanakh’s secret seductresses.


Rachel

Rachel was undeniably hot, and she had a fiery personality. She was the kind of girl that men would move mountains (or wells) for, and boy, did she know it. Rachel’s sexual appetite was voracious, and she was never comfortable sharing her husband with her sister. As she got older and her sister had more and more kids, Rachel’s sexiness was tinged with sadness. She would look you right in the eye while she rode you, and afterwards, she would turn her back to you, leaving you somehow lonelier than when you started.


Leah

The less pretty sister, she made up for it with passion. Leah was always self-conscious about her watery eyes, but she masked it with a brassy swagger. In bed, she had some secret moves that her sister taught her—gross, we know—and she was inexhaustible, the kind of woman who was never not in the mood, and never got a headache. She was also one of those rare women who was even sexier while pregnant. Her curves were delicious.


Tamar

She was emotionally scarred by two husbands who had weird kinks and insisted on leaving her unfulfilled. But after a few years of feeling bad for herself and being miserable in her father’s house she finally learned to get hers, and easily seduced her father-in-law. No one knows what caused the great shift in her personality, but it was so intense that her father-in-law never even suspected it was her. After that one night with Judah she was the woman that every guy wanted, and nobody got.


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Author of Jewrotica's Double Mitzvah column, Tamar Fox is a writer and editor in Philadelphia. She will try anything once, including open relationships, dating someone who is chalav yisrael, and going to Suriname.
  • Banana

    these ladies are too hot to handle!

  • For some reason, I feel less “guilty” and conflicted about this piece than about the male analysis. I think part of it is that – in my upbringing – the men were revered as holy forefathers communing with God and therefore any sexual talk about them would seem highly disrespectful. The women, on the other hand, were revered as matriarchs and for their primal roles of reproduction, so associating them with sex and sexual commentary just seems like a natural extension of their “responsibilities” and “contributions”. Strange, ey? Thoughts?

    Separately, I wonder if Part II will go over less well with some of our audience, as the Biblical women and their stories tend to be lesser known than the men. Perhaps we’ll add an addendum with sources the next time we find ourselves dealing with Biblical characters. For now, if you’re not familiar with any of the characters above, Google and Wikipedia are your friends! 🙂

    • Anonymous Internet Commenter

      What an awesome point, Ayo! Somehow, these women are “earthier” than the men, who were engaged in “holy work” while the ladies were confined to the birthing tent. Ever notice how biblical fanfic (The Red Tent, Marek Halter’s “Women of the Bible” series, India Edgehill’s work) is all lady-centric? The men figure as fanatics/revolutionaries/guys with beards who shape the politics of the region, but they’re rarely involved in anything “earthy.” Maybe someone should write a male-centric Red Tent and get the conversation going! Tamar Fox, are you listening?

  • Tamar’s husbands didn’t have weird kinks! Her first husband Er didn’t want to spoil Tamar’s beauty by impregnating her so he was killed. Then Tamar was married to Onan, Er’s brother, who also didn’t want to impregnate her because the child would be considered Er’s. So he spilled his seed and was killed. Tamar’s Father in Law Judah now had one son left, Shelah. He was hesitant to allow Shelah to marry Tamar because Shelah was young and he considered Tamar cursed. Tamar thus decided to pretend to be a prostitute and seduce Judah so that she could have children (finally!). No great mystery there! And thank goodness she took the initiative because King David was descended from this whacky union.

    As for Rahab, Rashi says she was a food seller and a woman of great faith who after hearing about the Jewish people’s great victories over otherwise superior enemies, conceded that God had given the Israelites the land. When opportunity arose, she hid the Israelite spies and in doing so saved herself and her family from death. I dunno. Apparently she subsequently married Joshua so she must have had something good going on there, no?

    And how can you compare Yael to Lady Macbeth? Yeah driving a tent peg through someone’s head with a hammer is scary – but it was also seen as a sign of great modesty. See when Sisera was asleep, she could easily have taken a spear or a sword and used that to kill him. But those were considered men’s tools and to use them would be immodest. Instead, Yael chose a hammer and peg, used by women in setting up tents and thus far more modest but way harder to kill a dude with. That doesn’t make her hard! That makes her nuanced. And sexy. I don’t find Lady Macbeth attractive at all – unless one likes sleeping with crazy people!

    As for Ruth, her awkward seduction of Boaz had to have had something good going for it because Boaz married her on that basis alone. And he married her despite prior family commitments. Would he have gone through the trouble if the sex was dull and boring? I don’t think so. Hesedic need not be a euphemism for missionary style sex.

    Great post though Tamar. I like that it made me contemplate our biblical characters in human terms. Might I suggest, for those less biblically inclined, a link to each person’s Wikipedia entry perhaps?

    • Wikipedia entry links added! 🙂

    • Banana

      hold on… a peg through someone’s head is modest? Totally disagree. Maybe she didn’t use “man” tools but killing someone with a stick through the head is darn right scary.