Behind Closed Doors With the Men and Women of the Bible, Part I

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Bible Men 2

Abraham

He was nothing to write home about, really. Abraham was the kind of guy you stayed with because you really loved him, not because the sex was so great. He was so busy welcoming guests he hardly had the energy to make the beast with two backs most of the time, and when he was in the mood he felt weird about it because Sarah looked like a little girl. Plus, the relationship between husband and wife was always strained by the way he liked to pretend to be her brother. Way awkward.


King David

Definitely bisexual, and more than a little entitled, sleeping with David was like sleeping with the most popular guy in school. A great notch to have in your belt, but ultimately kind of a letdown. With David, it was really all about the chase, and once he got you, he didn’t really know what to do with you. His talents with the lyre, though, suggest that his digital work was excellent.


Jonah

Jonah was a nightmare in bed. You’d spend days chasing him down because something about him was very attractive, but once you got him between the sheets he was a real downer, and afterwards would immediately fall into a very deep sleep. He whined constantly, and would never take the hint when you were trying to get him to try something new.


Mordecai

A very jealous lover, and generally melodramatic. He’d make you do all the work, but it was worth it to be with the guy who knew everyone, and who everyone owed a favor.


Of course, my friends and I wanted to be egalitarian–we certainly didn’t ignore the women in favor of the men! Stay tuned for Part 2 of “Behind Closed Doors with the Men and Women of the Bible,” also known as “What Happens When Jewish Kids Get Drunk.”

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Author of Jewrotica's Double Mitzvah column, Tamar Fox is a writer and editor in Philadelphia. She will try anything once, including open relationships, dating someone who is chalav yisrael, and going to Suriname.
  • You really think Abraham was bad in the sack? That guy was giving and generous. Why would he be that way with his guests and not with his lover? Sorry. No way our founding father was less than a stellar cocksman. No way.

    • I hear you, David. Then again, it did take Avraham a mighty long time to get Sarah preggers. Though they were probably just been having a lot of fun practicing…

    • It’s all good Ayo. I’m thrilled to see Tamar Fox contributing here even if our disagreements go beyond Abraham’s sexual prowess!

  • Oy. Vey. ismir. (But in a very good way.)

    • I second your “Oy. Vey. Ismir”, except with a couple of FFB-style reservations.

      Part of me loved this piece. It’s clever and fun, erotic and edgy. That said, the traditional and still quite-reverent part of me is convinced that a lightning bolt is going to come down and strike me at any moment in retribution for publishing this piece on the site. (My dad always was pretty superstitious…)

      And I am totally going to turn dark red this week when this piece pops into my head during Torah reading at shul.

      Oy, indeed! 🙂

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  • Banana

    When I read about Joshua I can’t help but hum “your body is a wonderland…”

  • You left out a very important detail about Joshua. He married Rachav, the whore of Jericho and made her a one-man woman.

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  • Anonymous Internet Commenter

    Good lord did this piece make me uncomfortable. Oy.

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  • Dark Star

    I was just reading and loving those electric pages on the site imagining the sexual secrets of Biblical characters. Regarding Abraham, though the critique was written from a Jewish view, I’m inclined to think that he probably would have had a better, more Jewrotic time with Hagar, I’m curious what those two were like. Sizzling, I dare think. I think Hagar would have brought out the Esau in him. He was Esav’s grandfather, there must have been some Esav in him.

    So here’s a Dvar Torah — when Yitzchak tells Yaakov, your voice is the voice of Jacob, but your hands are the hands of Esav — there, that right there, was the bracha! To be a blessed man he should be able to have the voice of Jacob, to speak like a poet but have the physicality of a wild man of the fields, that’s the bracha I’d give a kid. That was the real bracha given Yaakov.

    But back to Avraham, the idea of a brother-sister fraud can lead to great possibilities, as is shown in the movie “Days of Heaven” (please, really, try to find it, and not just a dull YouTube color-drained version but a clear copy.) It is a play on the Abraham-Sarah story: Two beautiful lovers, in 1917, are migrants working the Texas wheat fields. A lonely land owner sees her, is so aroused by her that he invites her to stay with him even after the harvest. She asks that her “brother” be allowed to stay, too, and of course he can. And then it gets increasingly Jewrotic and complicated, with a visual and musical beauty that is as ethereal, as visually-aurally-and-spiritually beautiful as just about anything I’ve ever seen. In any case, it opened my imagination to what possibilities are inherent in the situation of a couple hiding their commitment to each other for the sake of… heaven. The last thing I would do now, after seeing that movie, is condemn my granddaddy Abraham and grandma Sara for trying to keep their relationship on the sly — especially while they were on the road. That’s why the road was born.

    And if I can just add one more thing in favor of my favorite fake brother and sister, Abraham and Sara: Check out the Torah — the first quote attributed to Abraham, the very first words spoken after his Lech Lecha revelation, is when Abraham looks at Sara and says, “You’re so beautiful, men are going to want to kill me just to have you,” and only then does he say, “tell them you’re my sister.” He doesn’t bring up brother-sister in a sexless way, but after telling her how hot she was. The opening of his Jewish soul led to the opening of his eyes to her heat. That’s the essence of Jewrotica.

    There’s interesting Torahs in there, something very Jewrotic going on between those two.

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