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In Defense of “Everything But” as a (Modern?) Orthodox Ideal

By on October 16, 2012
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A15Shomer 3

Revoking the ban would mean articulating a Modern Orthodox sexual ethic that reserves vaginal intercourse for marriage – and perhaps reserves any other forms of physical intimacy for meaningful relationships. It would require discussions about setting sexual boundaries, and about not violating your comfort needs in a relationship – a discussion that could feed into a larger one, about emotional and sexual manipulation and abuse. It would require convincing, instead of coercing. It would require trust. Rabbinic lack of trust permeates other aspects of an Orthodox woman’s life, but it is perhaps most damaging here, when it pertains to the most basic facet of the human experience. Depriving singles of this basic human need–sexual activity–deepens the gap between the marrieds and singles in the community, since one group is experiencing an entire facet of life not open to the other. Most importantly, it violates the principle of “The Torah’s ways are ways of pleasantness, and all its paths are of peace” – a principle which has traditionally been used as a legal consideration in producing lenient rabbinic rulings.

By violating this Jewish tradition, the current rabbinic establishment is endangering the Jewish future: Measuring “relationships” by the yardstick of whether they result in marriage, and measuring marriage by whether it results in kids, is an Orthodox social problem that deserves its own piece. However, given that Orthodox Jewish values do encourage marriage and child-rearing, it is worth noting that a pre-requisite to a healthy marriage is being a happy, healthy, fulfilled human being, who is able to articulate boundaries and communicate their sexual needs to their partner. Shomer negiah makes it hard for anybody to be happy, healthy, fulfilled or sexually articulate, essentially setting its adherents up for failure and endangering the institution of the Jewish family, the very institution it is bound to protect . This, of course, is a paradox, and leaves me all tied up in knots – although, when it comes to sex, being tied up in knots may not be such a bad thing….

 

Works Cited:
Blau, Rivkah. “Gender Relationships in Marriage and Out.” Ktava Publishing House, New York, 2004.

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Shayna is a native Manhattanite whose interests include Torah, human rights, and poetry. An avid procrastinator, Shayna spends most of her time on Facebook, or watching any game involving the Brazilian soccer team. Brasil para Mundial 2014!
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