The Rabbi and the Vibrator

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Because nothing says nice Jewish girl like a white wicker nightstand (photo credit: CC BY SocialWicker, Flickr)

Because nothing says nice Jewish girl like a white wicker nightstand

(photo credit: CC BY SocialWicker, Flickr)

At first, I thought I was saved.

But then, with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm, the rabbi yanked the drawer open, and in the process activated the iRabbit’s on-switch. Whirring, buzzing, and gyrating, this vibrator, unlike so many smaller, more discreet models, leaves very little to the imagination. It comes complete with a fairly girthy shaft and a well-formed glans, and, why yes, it does appear to be circumcised.

The rabbi slammed the drawer shut and we both pretended that we couldn’t hear the rhythmic buzzing as we continued to discuss the upcoming ceremony.

“So, her first name is in honor of your mother, may she be of blessed memory?” He shouted, taking on his yarmulke’s festive shade of burgundy as the vibrator bumped in the drawer, and the entire bedside table shook.

“Yes!” I yelled back.

And as the vibrator did a bump and grind against the drawer, my entire Jewish life flashed before my eyes. Sunday School story time in the synagogue sanctuary. Reciting the aleph bet at Hebrew School. Singing “Hinei ma Tov” around the camp fire at sleep-away camp in Malibu. Reading from the Torah during my bat mitzvah. Singing in the choir on Hanukka.

But still, even though I was mortified, I reveled in the complexity of the moment. Because guess what: You can be a nice Jewish girl and a mother and still have a vibrator.

Just ask my rabbi.

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Social media guru of Jewrotica, Sarah Tuttle-Singer is a writer for the Times of Israel and Huffington Post. Sarah lives in Israel with her two children and is - in her own words - quite dangerous when bored.